of age not mattering and being old and infatuated

i've been thinking about what i'm going to write about now that i'm using this blog again, and i have some ideas, but i'm just stuck deciding. but since i'm actually feeling happy right now, oh yes, i, the biggest drama queen you'll ever know, she whose predisposition befits a heroine of a greek tragedy is yes, actually happy. i don't know why the concept has eluded me so, but hey, i am happy right now. and all because of this quirky,  tallish lanky boy:

oops. not michael cera hihi. another michael. this michael:

oh gawrsh isn't he just the most adorable scrumptious little thing? sigh.

but at the risk of sounding like a demented, perverted paedophile, this boy is just 17. and i, 27. 10 year difference. alanis morissette as god, i am such a cougar.

but hey, at least 5 people told me age doesn't matter. so cliche. but it matters to me.

let us imagine for a second that this cute, adorkable boy was attracted to me (oh i have some assumptions a conspiracy junkie would find juicy later) how would that work? i'm ten years his senior. that means that when i was in 4th year high school, he was still in grade 1! i'm actually as old as some of his instructors at that mediocre school of mediocrity. heck, i'm actually older than his oldest sibling :(

a bird can love a fish, signore, but where would they live?

a woman can love a boy, and he will always be a boy. yes, the defeatist and pessimist in me still exists. and being a frustrated psychologist, being defeatist and pessimistic is my way of preventing myself from hoping and expecting too much. this is how i stop myself from deluding.

but what if he did like me, too?

i don't want to make any misguided assumptions, but being the eternal school girl-in-love that i am, i will give untoward meaning to some of his actions just right now.

there was a time when i was just starting to find ways on how i can get home to cubao from my mediocre school of mediocrity, and one of our common friends suggested that i go with him and another good friend who's way is the baclaran route. so i did go home with them. almost everyday. oh yes, i am the one who will find ways just so i'd be able to go with him even if we don't talk. this is what i want to give meaning to: he, my crush which for convenience's sake shall now be called 'he' or 'him' only, actually still had to walk from the point when we separate, and he goes down where i go down because as he said, 'para may kasabay ako' (so that i'd have company, someone to go with). isn't that just the sweetest thing?!

there was also this one time that i forced myself to go with him and our friends when they went to our common friend's house, when he wanted to go home, our friends practically made him take me with him. so we walked and talked. and while waiting for a ride, he was the gentlest gentleman always asking if i want to ride a jeep, fx or a bus that passed by, seeing i still had a lot to travel. but of course i wouldn't have that. i said he wouldn't have anyone to ride with. hah. and so, it was turning late, so we both decided to take a cab. god, that taxi ride was the BEST time of my life. we talked again. he asked about my family, i asked why he doesn't have a cellphone(oh yes, i am also a fisherman fishing for details like a cellphone number) and some things else. i had wanted that taxi ride to never end, but alas it had to.

little did i know that my bliss would end by my own big mouth. i made a mistake in telling a gay teacher that he and i took a taxi home, together, and being the insecure pervert that teacher he is, he made an exaggeration of what happened: this teacher said he(my crush) and i spent the night at a motel after we rode a taxi together. and so, my crush whose innocence and fragile ego got offended. and the worst part is that he thought i was the one making such wild accusations. :(

we had a falling out after that. i did write him a letter, which according to him, 'pinagisipan ko talaga' (well thought out) but i just wanted to tell him everything, that i was sorry for telling that stupid gay teacher that we went home together, that i did like him but i just expect friendship from him seeing that i am ten years his senior, that i wished him well if we really can't be friends. oh, i also apologized for deleting him on facebook to which he was kind of hurt because i deleted him. we stopped talking after that.

but then, one day, our good friend told me that he was starting to feel left out and dare i say it annoyed(?) that i didn't say hi to him, but i did to all our friends. he said to our friend, 'gusto ko bati na kami, pero ayoko sya kausapin' (he wanted to be friends again but he didn't want to talk to me about it)

guess how happy i was after hearing that. clue: there were fireworks.

i did try my best talking to him again, but everytime i saw him or when he was near, this heart of hearts just beat like it will never beat ever again, and my courage failed me.

and so, the last days of my schooling passed, and i never got to say even the simplest of 'hi's' to him. :(

i had thought that one last bonding moment with our friends would give me the opportunity to talk to him again, but he didn't go.

but then i blindly added him at the behest of another common friend, to which, to my surprise, he confirmed me. and after a day or two, we talked again.

and now i am smiling like a fool. he even said something to our common friend:

that i did talk to him on chat, and the we were 'bati na' (friends again)

oh that quirky, quirky adorable boy.

so, in conclusion, he may or may not like me like me. what's important is we're talking again. 

i guess if he did like me, i'd write about my having a certain condition and how that would not work out. but for the mean time, the biggest obstacle in my delusion of him liking me is the age difference.

or the pseudo-incestuous idea of me having a crush on a boy ten years my junior. my surrogate son is actually older. imagine how that would work: him and me, and then i have a surrogate son who's older than he is by 3 years. but my surrogate son, so special that he is, doesn't think his biological age. bless his special heart.

it would be like i were dating my son's friend. how weird is that. 

rebirth

wow! it's been more than 2 years since i last visited this blog.

and after reading most of the posts, i was just so stoked; it was like someone else wrote these, not the person who was reading them. but here i am again.

 i had been contemplating on making another blog and writing again, so i visited this old thing and the sentiments got me.

so tg-girl is back. but first, some updates are in order... what has happened in two years?

i now have breasts, 36 B in fact.

 i have moved on from the dream that was dave.

 i now have finished college. oh yes. but just from some mediocre school pretending to be the best in IT. wait for my rantings about that one. hell!

 i have, again taken the helm of being the membership coordinator of strap.

 i have loved, yet again, once, twice, three times.

 i know live somewhere north.

 i have, for some reason, now have a surrogate child, my ever dearest beloved leandro.

 i am infatuated with a 17 year old boy. oh for pete's sake. what else? let's find out.

 it's nice to write again.

He's just not into You

yup, this is about a movie. i even put it on my facebook status. my new favorite movie is this, and i realized, he's not just into me, he never was, it sucks but it's great.

it's great because i know i can deal with it.

well, i'm sure i can.

at least, i think i know, err, i can.

it's great because even though i stress about having dreams about him, smiling when i think of him, or how i've been hoping after all these years, the best thing about it is just that, i never lost hope.

so maybe this is how it feels like, moving on.

it's just peculiar that i realized this after watching a movie.

yeah.

of christians and starting my own religion

no, this is not going to be an article against titular people. i'm just writing because i find it curious. real curious.

what do i find curious? the profusion of said people. even here, in the citystate of singapura, the 2 people i know are of the same faith.

and even with a very good friend of mine, who also happens to be of a somewhat similar gender identity, is also of the same faith.

i do not have anything against these people, however, i have a few prejudices against some people who happen to have the same faith.

like with my friend. if i was allowed to impose on her my belief, she would be using masculine pronouns, for unfortunately, she appears to be misguided and unenlightened. she is a transsexual like me. and of the rare type too: the transpinoy. as much as she hates to admit it, she wants boy parts and she wants to live as a boy, which she actually already does, through her clothing, her choice of hobbies and the like.

however, i have received certain rumours that she, dare i say it, plans on making 'balik-loob'. this, 'balik-loob' or a change of heart means, going back to the way it should have been by closed-minded perceptions, i.e., in her situation, since she was assigned female at birth, her gender identity would be female and she expresses herself as such.

so imagine my utter shock. here was a person who ultimately looks MORE masculine than i'll ever be, who's demeanor and attitude would make you think she had balls, figuratively and literally speaking, now making balik-loob? the mayans were correct! the world is indeed ending!

don't get me wrong, i'm all for being true to yourself. i would have supported her if this was a genuine choice from her heart, but nay, i believe this stemmed from her church-mates, the people she goes to church with. i believe they subliminally made her choose this decision, with their buttered up suggestions and opinions. and that's the thing i abhor.

why impose on someone your personal beliefs? and even use it as religious propaganda?

it's a load of bull.

and another thing with said people, why do you have to mix your faith with work? i mean, work is work. it's nice that you're thanking god for these blessings you receive, but what about freedom of religion, huh? what about the people who worship their god in their own way? absolutely no respect.

but hey, i'm happy that it works for my friends. they seem happier. i'm even thinking of being envious of their newly found fulfillment, but as corny as it sounds, it's not enough for me to be religious. sadly, i have not heard about any religion that does not judge solely because of one's gender expression. as much as i want to be more religious, my current religion does not seem to permit my gender identity, forbids it actually.

but i do want to find a more spiritual way. no perverted and literal depictions of the bible. no judgment.

maybe i should go ahead and start my own religion.

lol.

of rationalizing and keeping my sanity intact

i get it.

we can never be.

it wasn't just meant to be.

whaugh, now i'm rhyming?

i dunno, i just can't delude myelf anymore, though i know after a few days, or even a few hours, i'll be back wishing and hoping.

i just need to rationalize my feelings and my expectations.

one, you were just terribly nice to me and possibly indebted because of my volunteering in doing most of your schoolwork in highschool. you did not have feelings for me. even if you always asked for my permission when you were going to play counterstrike after class and when you call me almost everyday to just talk. you did not have feelings for me then.

you also did not have feelings for me when you wanted me to attend the same college with you because you don't want to be with me then.

you also did not have feelings for me when we almost kissed each other that night out with liza when it was her birthday.

nor did you have feelings for me then when you brought me home from katrina's debut, or when we still talked on the phone when you got home.

you did not have feelings for me as well when i was mysteriously deleted and then added and then deleted again from your friendster account. you also did not feel anything for me in such a way that your girlfriend then won't be jealous of me and her picking a fight was not out of jealousy.

likewise, you still do not have feelings for me when you kept on looking for me in that reunion of sorts we had at my house. you just wanted to finally see for yourself how i had looked. and you did not have feelings for me when you avoided addressing my being a woman and just complemented my height. you also did not have feelings for me when you kept on looking at me and my legs when you were about to leave.

and you still don't have feelings for me even if i always talk to you and chat with you, and even when i get hurt by the things you have said.

and you will never have feelings for me, even if i always hope and wish, and even in my dreams it will remain.

i only dreamed that you have feelings for me.