He's just not into You

yup, this is about a movie. i even put it on my facebook status. my new favorite movie is this, and i realized, he's not just into me, he never was, it sucks but it's great.

it's great because i know i can deal with it.

well, i'm sure i can.

at least, i think i know, err, i can.

it's great because even though i stress about having dreams about him, smiling when i think of him, or how i've been hoping after all these years, the best thing about it is just that, i never lost hope.

so maybe this is how it feels like, moving on.

it's just peculiar that i realized this after watching a movie.

yeah.

of christians and starting my own religion

no, this is not going to be an article against titular people. i'm just writing because i find it curious. real curious.

what do i find curious? the profusion of said people. even here, in the citystate of singapura, the 2 people i know are of the same faith.

and even with a very good friend of mine, who also happens to be of a somewhat similar gender identity, is also of the same faith.

i do not have anything against these people, however, i have a few prejudices against some people who happen to have the same faith.

like with my friend. if i was allowed to impose on her my belief, she would be using masculine pronouns, for unfortunately, she appears to be misguided and unenlightened. she is a transsexual like me. and of the rare type too: the transpinoy. as much as she hates to admit it, she wants boy parts and she wants to live as a boy, which she actually already does, through her clothing, her choice of hobbies and the like.

however, i have received certain rumours that she, dare i say it, plans on making 'balik-loob'. this, 'balik-loob' or a change of heart means, going back to the way it should have been by closed-minded perceptions, i.e., in her situation, since she was assigned female at birth, her gender identity would be female and she expresses herself as such.

so imagine my utter shock. here was a person who ultimately looks MORE masculine than i'll ever be, who's demeanor and attitude would make you think she had balls, figuratively and literally speaking, now making balik-loob? the mayans were correct! the world is indeed ending!

don't get me wrong, i'm all for being true to yourself. i would have supported her if this was a genuine choice from her heart, but nay, i believe this stemmed from her church-mates, the people she goes to church with. i believe they subliminally made her choose this decision, with their buttered up suggestions and opinions. and that's the thing i abhor.

why impose on someone your personal beliefs? and even use it as religious propaganda?

it's a load of bull.

and another thing with said people, why do you have to mix your faith with work? i mean, work is work. it's nice that you're thanking god for these blessings you receive, but what about freedom of religion, huh? what about the people who worship their god in their own way? absolutely no respect.

but hey, i'm happy that it works for my friends. they seem happier. i'm even thinking of being envious of their newly found fulfillment, but as corny as it sounds, it's not enough for me to be religious. sadly, i have not heard about any religion that does not judge solely because of one's gender expression. as much as i want to be more religious, my current religion does not seem to permit my gender identity, forbids it actually.

but i do want to find a more spiritual way. no perverted and literal depictions of the bible. no judgment.

maybe i should go ahead and start my own religion.

lol.

of rationalizing and keeping my sanity intact

i get it.

we can never be.

it wasn't just meant to be.

whaugh, now i'm rhyming?

i dunno, i just can't delude myelf anymore, though i know after a few days, or even a few hours, i'll be back wishing and hoping.

i just need to rationalize my feelings and my expectations.

one, you were just terribly nice to me and possibly indebted because of my volunteering in doing most of your schoolwork in highschool. you did not have feelings for me. even if you always asked for my permission when you were going to play counterstrike after class and when you call me almost everyday to just talk. you did not have feelings for me then.

you also did not have feelings for me when you wanted me to attend the same college with you because you don't want to be with me then.

you also did not have feelings for me when we almost kissed each other that night out with liza when it was her birthday.

nor did you have feelings for me then when you brought me home from katrina's debut, or when we still talked on the phone when you got home.

you did not have feelings for me as well when i was mysteriously deleted and then added and then deleted again from your friendster account. you also did not feel anything for me in such a way that your girlfriend then won't be jealous of me and her picking a fight was not out of jealousy.

likewise, you still do not have feelings for me when you kept on looking for me in that reunion of sorts we had at my house. you just wanted to finally see for yourself how i had looked. and you did not have feelings for me when you avoided addressing my being a woman and just complemented my height. you also did not have feelings for me when you kept on looking at me and my legs when you were about to leave.

and you still don't have feelings for me even if i always talk to you and chat with you, and even when i get hurt by the things you have said.

and you will never have feelings for me, even if i always hope and wish, and even in my dreams it will remain.

i only dreamed that you have feelings for me.

a sad visit to the dreaming

if you read sandman or any of gaiman's work, you'd be hazarding a guess that i had a sad dream.

you would be right.

here' what i remember from that dream i had about two nights ago:

i was going on some trip to a castle, or a monument, or something, and i was with 3 people. one was dave, of course, i wouldn't be disturbed and depressed if it wasn't about him, and 2 more, which was a bit weird, i can't remember if it was my good friend kristine, katrina, liza, mikki, ana or roan, or an amalgamation of them into two girls... and so, on our trip, when i wasn't listening or was doing something that did not include my friends or dave, they talked about me. apparently, my friends had a hunch that dave may have some feelings for me, and my friends kept on questioning and pressuring him, but he was still cryptic about his answer. but my friends were able to conclude that he did has feelings for me. and being the defeatist pessimistic nihilist that i am, i refused to believe them. for one, i was aware that i was in a dream, and two, well, even if i know dave may and does have feelings for me, i still want to spare myself from the hurt if ever i find out that he does not actually have feelings for me. and when i woke up, i felt like someone tore out my heart and kept on pounding on it.

and as much as i hate admitting it, i may be over-analyzing my dream.

a dream is just a dream is just a dream, correct?

it' just a suppressed fantasy that my subconscious is playing. i don't know why my subconscious had to make me dream about him after all this time.

and so, it appears that the only way i can finally get this stupid 'what-if' is to just talk to him.

as simple as that.

just plain talk to him.

if only i could.

if only i could make my heart stop trembling.

if only i could prepare myself from rejection.

if only i could stop loving him.

by then i would have the courage to talk to him and ask him.

and now i'm hoping he does have feelings for me, so that we'll end up together, and he'll love me.

but that, won't be tragic.

my life needs to be tragic, you see?

sigh. now i think i've visited that realm full of mirrors and smoke.

ego-boosting

a few moments to boost my fragile ego...

ehem ehem...






there. finished.

ca-haaaannnnnn....

please.

somebody.

anybody.

glee!

yep. it's official. i have been bitten by the glee bug. i absolutely love that lil queer soprano, kurt hummel!



he's absolutely precious!!!! and that single ladies dance?


love it!!!

and i really loved that he also sang defying gravity from wicked.



i hope all the kurt's in the world find their happy ending.

another epiphany

and so, yeah, i'm in singapura yet again, and not for the reasons one my think of.

no, i'm not here for a vacation. no, i'm not here for work. one might even hazard a guess that i'm here because my parental units and my elder sibling is here and i have an infant nephew that needs supervision... my nephew that may or may not have short-term memory loss due to his temporal lobe not functioning properly, or whatever drew barrymore's character in 50 first dates has... why? it's because every friggin' morning he always cries when he sees me, and i have to wait until the afternoon for him to come around and realize i am the same person who took care of him when he was just several months old!

but no. i am here because of my forced exile. i need to find myself.

i have given this post the title, 'another epiphany' for this reason: i was out with a good friend of mine and his friends tonight, and everything was fun and all, until i focused my attention to my friend's friend's breasts. yep, i had an epiphany because of breasts. she had these ginormous mounds, well, they weren't that big, but for her body size? they were effin' HUGE.

and so, i go to thinking, how will i ever reach my current goal? read: get boobies. how will i get my implants? i have been told they cost about 50 kiyaw in thailand... and i was so optimistic that once i get here, i'll be able to save up so whe i go back to my beloved pearl of the orient, viola! tg-girl grew some boobies!!!

but how exactly did i plan on getting them? i had dreamed that i would be able to be a graphic designer here, not a real one, but one that could design at home. a friend's friend told me that if i can send him my designs and perhaps a flash animation, he may be able to help me find a client. if i had clients i could have saved up for my goal.

but no. i recently discovered this ugly attitude that i have. i'm too lazy and i give up too easily. i want to be spoon fed and i don't want to be stuck in a difficult position.

take the kgb position my sister referred me to. answering texts from home. what could be easier? but no, i had so many complaints about it. but the more i think about it, the easier it seems. i may need to think this over once more. and besides, if i do pass that certification, i will have something to while at home and earn some moolah.

and what about odesk? why am i so troubled with it? i find it so difficult. you have to keep on bidding and presenting your portfolio. maybe i just don't have the patience.

and so, this is my promise: i will be more patient. i will keep on trying. later, when i wake up, i will no longer be lazy. i will continue the kgb certification. i will keep on bidding projects on odesk.

i will exercise. i have to lose some weight.

so there.

that i would be good

"That I Would Be Good"

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

~ di ko na ipagpipilitan ang sarili ko sa mga taong hindi ako gusto. i'm seeting you free.

a not-so-review of TRESE: MASS MURDERS

a disclaimer:

i am about to write about the new trese book, so if you don't live under a rock and had had the decency to read this AWESOME book, be warned of spoilers.

you have been warned.



and finally i was able to read this book i have oh-so-long-awaited. no thanks to my pangit cousin who lied his ass off! he told me he'll get me a copy for christmas, and yet, christmas passed and where was my trese?

anyways, i just can't believe it! i hate to go all fan-girl here, but my mind was indeed blown away! i had thought the 5 next chapters would be separate cases just like in the first two books, but no! they were actually a long story cut into parts! though there was a bit of a time difference between the 12th and 13th stories... anyhow...

how psyched i was to finally learn what kind of character anton trese was! and how he did business. i was a bit confused... if alexandra was 18 when anton died, how old was anton, even having 4 older sons...?

and the kambal! i think i have a fan-girl crush! i am drawn to the smiling kambal(drawn? to a comic book character? how pun-ny!) because of his attitude, and well, his smile... but the frowning kambal is just as mysterious... i always wondered what kind of half-breeds they were, like, what half of what. and how come they grew into manhood just in a span of a few years... i mean, the kambal must have been born a few years back in the first story, when alexandra was 15... and on her 18th birthday they're already teenagers? then on the current timeline, they are already men! is it because of their demigod genes? i super love the kambal in their teens!!! so lanky...

and i never knew there were 4 tribes of aswang, i mean, i only knew aswang as the meat-eating, blood-drinking monster-people very much filipino in essence. but 4 tribes? ok, the manananggal could be a type of aswang, but what about the two other ones portrayed in the book? there was an insect-like one, so does that mean oriol the enchantress is an aswang? here father was called 'asuang'... and what about those pig-men? tikbalang pigs? my ate said they were baboy-ramo, but these are wild boar, not boar monsters.

i do feel a bit sad that i only got to read about the segben pack which is anton's bodyguards/henchmen. oh well, i am happy with the kambal though. especially the smiling one. hee-hee!

i was excited that there were deities in the book. after reading i tried searching for 'talagbusao' and 'darago and darranga', but wikipedia gave me no answers... but it is still so cool to see alexandra fight and outwit deities! so that means these deities are not omniscient... hmm....

and all of alexandra's allies fighting for her? that was so cool! i like ammie and hannah so much, so ditzy and air-head-ish... haha. they are from the tribe of wind you know. and finally, kapres have been featured! though not as the creature du jour, but i did finally see these giants in the trese universe.

and now we finally have alexandra... i must say i like the long haired, side swept bang-ed alexandra. it works for her. makes her seem a bit more mysterious. and i wish we could have read more about her test! but how old is trese anyway?

all in all, this book was worth every centavo. i certainly feel much better reading it after all the waiting. but doesn't that mean the trese series is over? i did read that there would only be 13 stories... though the author said it might not yet be the end.

if you are still clueless as to what i have been blabbing about, try going here: trese and might as well get a more colorful imagination.

careful where you tread...