the misadventures of tg-girl

Monday, March 8, 2010

of rationalizing and keeping my sanity intact

i get it.

we can never be.

it wasn't just meant to be.

whaugh, now i'm rhyming?

i dunno, i just can't delude myelf anymore, though i know after a few days, or even a few hours, i'll be back wishing and hoping.

i just need to rationalize my feelings and my expectations.

one, you were just terribly nice to me and possibly indebted because of my volunteering in doing most of your schoolwork in highschool. you did not have feelings for me. even if you always asked for my permission when you were going to play counterstrike after class and when you call me almost everyday to just talk. you did not have feelings for me then.

you also did not have feelings for me when you wanted me to attend the same college with you because you don't want to be with me then.

you also did not have feelings for me when we almost kissed each other that night out with liza when it was her birthday.

nor did you have feelings for me then when you brought me home from katrina's debut, or when we still talked on the phone when you got home.

you did not have feelings for me as well when i was mysteriously deleted and then added and then deleted again from your friendster account. you also did not feel anything for me in such a way that your girlfriend then won't be jealous of me and her picking a fight was not out of jealousy.

likewise, you still do not have feelings for me when you kept on looking for me in that reunion of sorts we had at my house. you just wanted to finally see for yourself how i had looked. and you did not have feelings for me when you avoided addressing my being a woman and just complemented my height. you also did not have feelings for me when you kept on looking at me and my legs when you were about to leave.

and you still don't have feelings for me even if i always talk to you and chat with you, and even when i get hurt by the things you have said.

and you will never have feelings for me, even if i always hope and wish, and even in my dreams it will remain.

i only dreamed that you have feelings for me.

a sad visit to the dreaming

if you read sandman or any of gaiman's work, you'd be hazarding a guess that i had a sad dream.

you would be right.

here' what i remember from that dream i had about two nights ago:

i was going on some trip to a castle, or a monument, or something, and i was with 3 people. one was dave, of course, i wouldn't be disturbed and depressed if it wasn't about him, and 2 more, which was a bit weird, i can't remember if it was my good friend kristine, katrina, liza, mikki, ana or roan, or an amalgamation of them into two girls... and so, on our trip, when i wasn't listening or was doing something that did not include my friends or dave, they talked about me. apparently, my friends had a hunch that dave may have some feelings for me, and my friends kept on questioning and pressuring him, but he was still cryptic about his answer. but my friends were able to conclude that he did has feelings for me. and being the defeatist pessimistic nihilist that i am, i refused to believe them. for one, i was aware that i was in a dream, and two, well, even if i know dave may and does have feelings for me, i still want to spare myself from the hurt if ever i find out that he does not actually have feelings for me. and when i woke up, i felt like someone tore out my heart and kept on pounding on it.

and as much as i hate admitting it, i may be over-analyzing my dream.

a dream is just a dream is just a dream, correct?

it' just a suppressed fantasy that my subconscious is playing. i don't know why my subconscious had to make me dream about him after all this time.

and so, it appears that the only way i can finally get this stupid 'what-if' is to just talk to him.

as simple as that.

just plain talk to him.

if only i could.

if only i could make my heart stop trembling.

if only i could prepare myself from rejection.

if only i could stop loving him.

by then i would have the courage to talk to him and ask him.

and now i'm hoping he does have feelings for me, so that we'll end up together, and he'll love me.

but that, won't be tragic.

my life needs to be tragic, you see?

sigh. now i think i've visited that realm full of mirrors and smoke.