Monday, September 17, 2012

of age not mattering and being old and infatuated

i've been thinking about what i'm going to write about now that i'm using this blog again, and i have some ideas, but i'm just stuck deciding. but since i'm actually feeling happy right now, oh yes, i, the biggest drama queen you'll ever know, she whose predisposition befits a heroine of a greek tragedy is yes, actually happy. i don't know why the concept has eluded me so, but hey, i am happy right now. and all because of this quirky,  tallish lanky boy:

oops. not michael cera hihi. another michael. this michael:

oh gawrsh isn't he just the most adorable scrumptious little thing? sigh.

but at the risk of sounding like a demented, perverted paedophile, this boy is just 17. and i, 27. 10 year difference. alanis morissette as god, i am such a cougar.

but hey, at least 5 people told me age doesn't matter. so cliche. but it matters to me.

let us imagine for a second that this cute, adorkable boy was attracted to me (oh i have some assumptions a conspiracy junkie would find juicy later) how would that work? i'm ten years his senior. that means that when i was in 4th year high school, he was still in grade 1! i'm actually as old as some of his instructors at that mediocre school of mediocrity. heck, i'm actually older than his oldest sibling :(

a bird can love a fish, signore, but where would they live?

a woman can love a boy, and he will always be a boy. yes, the defeatist and pessimist in me still exists. and being a frustrated psychologist, being defeatist and pessimistic is my way of preventing myself from hoping and expecting too much. this is how i stop myself from deluding.

but what if he did like me, too?

i don't want to make any misguided assumptions, but being the eternal school girl-in-love that i am, i will give untoward meaning to some of his actions just right now.

there was a time when i was just starting to find ways on how i can get home to cubao from my mediocre school of mediocrity, and one of our common friends suggested that i go with him and another good friend who's way is the baclaran route. so i did go home with them. almost everyday. oh yes, i am the one who will find ways just so i'd be able to go with him even if we don't talk. this is what i want to give meaning to: he, my crush which for convenience's sake shall now be called 'he' or 'him' only, actually still had to walk from the point when we separate, and he goes down where i go down because as he said, 'para may kasabay ako' (so that i'd have company, someone to go with). isn't that just the sweetest thing?!

there was also this one time that i forced myself to go with him and our friends when they went to our common friend's house, when he wanted to go home, our friends practically made him take me with him. so we walked and talked. and while waiting for a ride, he was the gentlest gentleman always asking if i want to ride a jeep, fx or a bus that passed by, seeing i still had a lot to travel. but of course i wouldn't have that. i said he wouldn't have anyone to ride with. hah. and so, it was turning late, so we both decided to take a cab. god, that taxi ride was the BEST time of my life. we talked again. he asked about my family, i asked why he doesn't have a cellphone(oh yes, i am also a fisherman fishing for details like a cellphone number) and some things else. i had wanted that taxi ride to never end, but alas it had to.

little did i know that my bliss would end by my own big mouth. i made a mistake in telling a gay teacher that he and i took a taxi home, together, and being the insecure pervert that teacher he is, he made an exaggeration of what happened: this teacher said he(my crush) and i spent the night at a motel after we rode a taxi together. and so, my crush whose innocence and fragile ego got offended. and the worst part is that he thought i was the one making such wild accusations. :(

we had a falling out after that. i did write him a letter, which according to him, 'pinagisipan ko talaga' (well thought out) but i just wanted to tell him everything, that i was sorry for telling that stupid gay teacher that we went home together, that i did like him but i just expect friendship from him seeing that i am ten years his senior, that i wished him well if we really can't be friends. oh, i also apologized for deleting him on facebook to which he was kind of hurt because i deleted him. we stopped talking after that.

but then, one day, our good friend told me that he was starting to feel left out and dare i say it annoyed(?) that i didn't say hi to him, but i did to all our friends. he said to our friend, 'gusto ko bati na kami, pero ayoko sya kausapin' (he wanted to be friends again but he didn't want to talk to me about it)

guess how happy i was after hearing that. clue: there were fireworks.

i did try my best talking to him again, but everytime i saw him or when he was near, this heart of hearts just beat like it will never beat ever again, and my courage failed me.

and so, the last days of my schooling passed, and i never got to say even the simplest of 'hi's' to him. :(

i had thought that one last bonding moment with our friends would give me the opportunity to talk to him again, but he didn't go.

but then i blindly added him at the behest of another common friend, to which, to my surprise, he confirmed me. and after a day or two, we talked again.

and now i am smiling like a fool. he even said something to our common friend:

that i did talk to him on chat, and the we were 'bati na' (friends again)

oh that quirky, quirky adorable boy.

so, in conclusion, he may or may not like me like me. what's important is we're talking again. 

i guess if he did like me, i'd write about my having a certain condition and how that would not work out. but for the mean time, the biggest obstacle in my delusion of him liking me is the age difference.

or the pseudo-incestuous idea of me having a crush on a boy ten years my junior. my surrogate son is actually older. imagine how that would work: him and me, and then i have a surrogate son who's older than he is by 3 years. but my surrogate son, so special that he is, doesn't think his biological age. bless his special heart.

it would be like i were dating my son's friend. how weird is that. 

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