Sunday, July 12, 2009

oh nothing

this is the reason why i did not want to add him up.


now i'm being paranoid, thinking why, oh why, of all the reasons would he announce such a thing like that.

but of course, he just put that because it is his profile and it can say anything he wants it to say. and there is no way it is to tell me anything.

and yet, here i am bothered by it.

silly girl, i am.

Thursday, July 9, 2009


perhaps, i should just forget about him. maybe it's the best thing to do. i mean, i have been waiting and hoping for ten years. and what? nothing.

liza is right. what could have happened is in the past. and i'm sure if it didn't happen before, it will never happen now.

i have done what i thought i needed for closure. i wrote him that letter. and before sending it, i decided that no matter what happens, i will move on and close that chapter in my life, as liza also said.

and yet, here i am, pondering the imponderables...

thine mortals eyes are not meant to see the future. but what will happen if he does attend our reunion?

i wonder.

and now i repeat the spiral.

if only i had been born a genetic girl, then only by then, he would like me for me, love me.

i guess i'm just hoping i could have one of those stories with happy endings...

he was my first, and i wanted him to be my last.

but a dream is a dream is only a dream. it crazy look,i wanna know now
For I to knock some more
In life I know there is lots of grief
But your love is my relief...

what now?

in a singular relapse of my often brilliant judgment, i added him up on my facebook account, because i was getting tired of being openly mocked by that cruel online networking site, showing me his picture and his name on my account... i added him thinking, what the hell? it's not like he'll add me right? i mean, he ignored my messages. wouldn't that mean he doesn't want to be friends? i even posted a status message saying


and then i ate dinner, when i got back, there was this ominous red number one sign on the bottom right hand portion of the screen, and i had the feeling it wasn't good news.

and lo and behold it said the words i never imagined i'd see.

i mean, i didn't expect he'd add me. for a few seconds i felt my heart stop beating. my gut reaction? push the print screen button.

so what now? does that mean he wants to be friends? because there will come a time that i'll be online and so will he. what now?

of course, being the overly dramatic thespian wannabe i am, i will blow this up to legendary proportions.

he just added me, that's all. it doesn't have to mean anything.

at least, that's what i'm hoping for, isn't it?

isn't it?

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

my letter to him

hello again. i've been thinking a lot about you for the past few days. i had been deciding if i should add you or not, on facebook, pero you not answering my last message and well, what happened before makes me decide not to. so why am i writing you again? hindi ko din alam dave, i guess, i wanted to know how you're doing now. and well, i have unresolved questions in my mind. siguro, i'm just imagining things, and i'm just basing what i am thinking on how i knew you back then, siguro nagbago ka na, pero we were bestfriends before right? hindi ko lang alam kung bakit super wala na tayo contact sa isa't-isa, e sa lahat naman ng naging friend ko hanggang ngayon we still catch up. i know i did try contacting you again. i even tried telling you about me, pero it seems you weren't comfortable with it. i don't know. well, most people now know my condition, being transgendered. like i told you, i have this feeling na galit ka sakin for something, and i wish i knew. and well, i am hoping we could be friends again. regarding the reunion, i hope you'll attend. i maybe paranoid pero sana if ever you won't, it won't be because of me. so yun, hope to see you, pero if not, take care always.

*~ here's to moving on.


maybe i'm just fooling myself. maybe i'm just holding on to something that will never happen.

i have to sort out my feelings. of course i love him, that never changed. but am i actually hoping he would want to have a relationship with me? maybe.

maybe i'm just blowing this up to exaggerated proportions.

i dunno.

Monday, July 6, 2009

what might have been, what could have been

i can't stop writing about it. i just closed down my facebook account, so i couldn't express my current mood and thought of the moment. so here i am.

i was just asking myself, why am i punishing and torturing myself by looking at his pictures, his pictures that i foolishly asked a friend to get from his account, seeing that i am so cowardly that i won't add him up.

i don't even know why i am deluding myself into hoping he might have feelings for me. never expect. he's straight. but i'm a girl. but we know he'll never like us for us. why am i hoping that after all these years, he would have forgiven me for what ever i had done, he would be still thinking about me.

maybe i'm just fooling myself. i mean, obviously, he would have a girlfriend. or i could believe that gossip that he's gay. so whichever way, he still won't be into me.

and viva said she'd be deleting dave. if it were only that easy.

i know i have to move on, i just can't.

and i don't want to.

of the typical reaction of a guy when he discovers his bestfriend has a crush on him

i forgot to mention, and rather than edit my previous post, i'll just add it here, for i feel my last one was perfect. i have this idea that he is somewhat angry at me. for no reason? well, i have a theory. by and by, the title for this post refers to guy's best friends who turn out gay, or in my case, trans. going back to my theory, i believe he had feelings for me, of course i made my speculations on what he showed me when we saw each other again, i mean, we almost kissed. so, with that thought, the reason why he is so angry and even saying on his friendster account that he hates gays, is because he was afraid of what he felt for me, myself being what he considered as male and gay. oh boy you had it oh so wrong. despite our history, my gender is not dictated by the sex i was assigned at birth. even if you knew me as your best friend all those years ago, i am a different person in the sense that i am not the person you once knew. i am a woman, dave. if you have feelings for me, you aren't gay. it just so happened i was born and assigned male at birth, but my gender says otherwise. but you, you i love dearly so, you i have been thinking about for ten years, are just like most people. most guys at that. there is a notion that once a guy discovers his then unknown as gay/trans best friend's affection for him, either flees and dissolves the friendship for fear of reciprocating said feelings and be outed as gay or if there should be any, accept the person as he is, and end up together.

this, i have yet to see. i have read about this scenario oh so many times. best friend develops feelings for his guy friend. guy friend seems to care for his best friend genuinely. best friend admits feelings. guy friend may disappear for some time. guy friend and best friend meet each other again, and guy friend finally admits HIS feelings for best friend. and they end up happily ever after.

such a load of horse crap.

and yet, i hold such a dream in my heart of hearts. i dream, that some day, he will realize that it was i all along, i who loves him the most, i who was always there, waiting, my heart beating only for him. that i will be the one he takes out for dinner, takes to the beach, takes into his arms. oh such a dream that is.

if only i have the courage to talk to him, to tell him of this, to show him he can love me, without fear of being ridiculed by anyone. to show him, i have always been here, waiting, and loving him.

and maybe, just maybe, i will have that happy ending of my own.

he was my first, and i wanted him to be my last.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

of first loves and bestfriends

i have been attempting to write this for 3 days now, and i only found courage to finally do it now. i have been repeating what i will write over and over again in my mind, making sure i put into words each emotion i felt. and here it goes...

like most people, well, normal people, i too had a best friend. actually, i had lots of best friends. in every stage of my life i attach myself to a certain person and impart a piece of my soul on said person so whenever i see him or her again, i will see a reflection of myself. but this one, this one person i am singling out, was not only my best friend, he was my first love.

how does one tell who one's first love is? i have had people i thought were my first love. one i definitely know was just puppy love, i mean, i was just ten years old. and i didn't know who i am at that time. then i had passing infatuations, one or two. and come high school. i know i was still immature at that age but when i was starting to discover who i truly am, i also discovered i was in love with him.

at that time, of course, one would say it was not love. infatuation maybe. and besides, we were best friends. he was always a classmate, we weren't that close in our early years but we often get seated next to each other, having the same letter for the beginning of our last names. i remember being friends with him, but i wouldn't think he was someone special.

and then we got close. it just happened. he was this one guy who was always too sleepy, lazy, or just plain uninterested. and he was the first one to make me feel special. for he needed me. i became his friend, tutor, and whatever you can think of. my friends used to tease me about our special friendship, they said it were as if we were in a relationship. but we weren't. we were just best of friends. and believe it or not, i didn't know i was falling for him. i just felt, he was this one special person in my life, that i was willing to do anything for him.

fast forward to college and the later years, i saw him again once, thrice. at that time, i knew i was still holding a torch out for him. and yes, we almost kissed. after so many years, something could have finally happened. but it did not. at least, i knew, he did feel something for me. i also remember his then girlfriend being jealous of me, of me, his high school best friend. oh how i hated that girl.

then he deleted me on friendster. never answered my messages. i moved on for a bit. but i always kept in my mind, that question: what if we never lost contact? what if?

whenever i see an old classmate, somehow, when his name is mentioned, the spot light turns on me. it's as if, everybody knew of our secret and yet, we ourselves didn't know. well, i knew i loved him. now i am sure i loved him. love him. for until now, i still have feelings for him. ten years and counting.

and so, with this reunion coming up, i dread seeing him again. after all these years. and yet, i can't stop looking at his pictures, his pictures i asked a friend to get for me, for i am too scared of adding him up as a friend for fear of being rejected, he didn't reply to my message after all. and i still haven't added him up, despite three people telling me i should add him. i am too scared to even follow my own rule of three.

i shall end this vignette with my friend's words, words that are also in my mind, my soul, my heart:

[12:43] Kacy Garcia: yep
[12:43] Kacy Garcia: yung kay dave
[12:44] Kacy Garcia: malay mo you two had the chance pero super pinigilan ang sarili. baka siguro kasi because of external factors like people. pero hell with it kung di ka din naman magiging masaya. take the chance. magiging satisfied ka naman whether hindi o oo ang relasyon. at least di ka na sana mashadong nag-iisip
[12:44] Kacy Garcia: many people were against us pero di na min sasacrifice feelings namin para lang ma-feed at masatisfy sila.
[12:44] Kacy Garcia: para sa inyo naman ni dave, sayang kung meron ngang love between the both of you
[12:45] Kacy Garcia: nakakahinayang lang na sana nalaman mo. kasi di din naman kayo speaking terms ngayon e. kung nalaman mo baka ngayon kayo na. or kung di naman, at di kayo din mag-uusap, at least nalaman mo na

i may never know his true feelings for me, or why he is angry with me, if he is. he seems happy. i should be happy for him.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

new banner

yeah, my new banner doesn't look that snazzy, but hey, it'll do for the mean time. i mean, it did achieve what i wanted, a superhero-ey look. next i will change the background. i hope i can learn html so i can change the banner's background size. gosh, this blog is gonna look gooo-ood! and please remind me to blog about the following:

1.) my mom and her relatives
2.) why i quit
3.) my sister and me, err, i