a strappy christmas

happy christmas!

grow up

this will be the first of my 'grow up' series...

i just kind of felt like writing after all this time.

'grow up.' that was what my dear ate joy told me when i was being a bit immature.

and somehow, it struck me.

i, of twenty four years of age, living as a woman, still have not yet grown up.

or grown up in the sense of being an adult.

or how an adult is commonly perceived as.

i haven't graduated, i don't have a job right now, much less a career, i still live at home with my parents, and worse, my sisters currently support me.

i still play pc games, watch cartoons and eat chocolates.

grow up.

why is that concept so strange to me.

somehow, i never saw myself growing up and being an adult. i mean, i want to be independent and grow up, stand on my own, but i don't know. it just never happened. and now my life is more stuck to my parents and sisters than before.

and now i can't see myself growing up.

what is growing up anyway?

making decisions on your own.

having a degree.

having a career.

being able to pay the bills.

having a relationship?

and here i go rambling.

don't get me wrong, i do want to grow up.

i just don't know how.

STOP TRANSPHOBIA!!!

Official Statement of the Society of Transsexual Women of the Philippines (STRAP) on the recent happenings inside the Pinoy Big Brother (PBB) House involving Rica Paras
“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
--Anonymous

She-man. Mumu (Ghost). Half-half. Samson and Delilah. These are just a few of the derogatory comments heard recently from PBB Double Up Housemates Rob Stumvol, Patrick Villanueva, Hermes Bautista, Mariel Sorino, Yuri Okawa and most especially Rocky Salumbides in referring to Rica Paras. We, her sisters in STRAP, join the rest of the world’s loyal audiences who watch PBB Double Up diligently in expressing our dismay, disappointment and disbelief in this blatant show of anti-transgender prejudice or transphobia. STRAP condemns to the highest degree this senseless bigotry and calls on Big Brother to intervene and put a stop to the hate happening right under his watchful eye.

Ever since Rica entered the PBB House, she has always carried herself well. She has never been a burden to her housemates but instead has proven to be an asset to them with her leadership skills, quick thinking and positive attitude. She has helped in household chores, shared her talents selflessly, related wholeheartedly with her housemates, and always contributed to the completion of tasks in the best way she could. The whole world knows that Rica has been nothing but a consistent team player, a shoulder to cry on, a loyal friend and a loving and reliable sister to all of her housemates.

We are therefore calling on all the housemates to STOP BASHING RICA for she has done nobody any harm. STOP DISRESPECTING RICA for she has only treated all of them with grace and care. STOP DISPARAGING RICA for she is simply being herself. The asinine machismo being directed at her is the same kind of misogyny that leads to violence against women. The narrow-mindedness being displayed by some of the PBB Double Up housemates is the same kind of bias that leads to abuse, insensitivity and cruelty towards others. This is totally unacceptable behavior and must be stopped at all costs.

This has to stop if we believe in the equality of all persons. This has to stop if we want to create a world where the uniqueness of all is valued. This has to stop if we want to create a better world where kindness, compassion and respect reign, a world that upholds the inherent dignity of all. STOP TRANSPHOBIA SA BAHAY NI KUYA!

so tired.

sometimes, people just get tired. physically, emotionally, psychologically... the worst thing is that the first one is the easiest to get over. one just needs to rest, after some time, the body repairs whatever cell that got damaged, one's muscles get rejuvenated... blah blah blah... but when one gets emotionally tired? and psychologically tired? it can make a person crazy.

and alas, it seems i, i of such brilliant sparkling intellect, i of such unbelievable beauty, i of everything else, is tired. and not physically.

i feel like a sponge that absorbed too much water, and this water is all the negative things in my life that became magnified to an exponential magnitude. and no, it's not the hormones. it's too early.

i just feel so tired of everything, you know? i feel so tired of living. i feel so tired of being me.

i wish, there was a way of being not myself even for just one day. perhaps by then i could find that thing that has eluded me so: love. and maybe happiness.

and i'm afraid. afraid that one day, this exhaustion will finally be the end of me. i know suicidal people don't really kill themselves when they tell people they will, but well, i could always break the statistic.

i just feel that this tiredness i am feeling won't just go away by sleeping my fears and my sadness away.

i just want to rest. so badly.

maybe rest forever.

stay tuned.

remembering friendster

as i was checking my email for some important messages, i accidentally clicked on show oldest messages, and lo and behold, this was what i saw:



imagine how my day went after that. sigh.

a reaction

after a misjudgment, i made it a point to send an official apology to my egroup for causing some negative vibes in the group. here is my letter:

to my soulmates, sisters and brother,

firstly, i would like to apologize for my misjudgment in posting here the links where obviously ignorant people have been commenting negatively about our vice chairwoman and member rica paras. i did so at the time because i was hurt that people were reacting negatively to a person i consider a sister, who is just being herself, on national television. i felt, by posting the links and letting you read what these ignorant haters posted, you would share my hurt feelings and tell me that everything would be better. again i apologize.

this egroup was formed essentially so that strap members can have an outlet for their discussions and stories, their experiences and of course, so that we can tell each other of relevant issues that concerns our shared experience.

rica's experiences inside the pbb house is a relevant issue for us girls because she is now representing our ideals and our goals, and of course, because rica is firstly our friend and sister. however, there are other relevant issues that we also need to discuss, for example, there is the upcoming pride march. these issues will be discussed in the upcoming SGM this saturday, oct 17. and our secretary will take care of publishing here on the egroup the minutes of our meeting so that our online members will be able to read about them.

i know everyone is talking about rica and we can't help ourselves as well. but let us not dwell in negative vibes. we should celebrate that our very own rica is now well on her way to celebrity. i personally feel that we do not need to answer each and every negative comment, however, if you as an individual member and friend to rica feels that you should answer the comments you have read about, then feel free to do so. what i can do on my own is write about rica on my blog. and i personally believe rica will make sure she expalins things while on national television, just wait and see.

now, let me share my thoughts about some of the concerns raised. correct me if i'm wrong, but i believe STRAP was formed because there was a lack of representation of transgenders and also a means of sharing information as well in the local lgbt community. sass, vee and dee wanted to have an organization that took care of the needs of transgirls.

i really don't know what strap is all about and why it was formed, but let me share what strap is for me. i joined strap because i wanted to know more about who i truly am, what i am, and what i could be. strap gave me just that. strap gave me my identity. because of strap, i knew i was a woman, regardless of my assigned sex at birth, and i felt whole. my first moments with strap was my rebirth. this is one of the things i am most thankful for all because of strap. and strap has been an extended family of sorts for me. i also remember my first time marching and representing transpinays in the pride march.

so, what can strap do to address these unknown issues? what are our issues to begin with? i know we will discuss it in the SGM and we will post them here. how will we address them? i know we don't have to list what strap has done, but never you worry miss cam, though we won't stage any protests or anything, but if we need to speak to anyone we will. i really don't know how things are done in the states, but i'm proud to say strap has its own way of dealing with issues like this. we will take care of it with elegance, grace and finesse, for we are beautiful, intelligent empowered women, just like rica.

and so, i'm urging these 70+ members miss cam has counted to stand up and attend the sgm. so that we can talk about what we can do for transpinays. your mere attendance means so much. since we are moving forward to a more formal organization, let's make sure we do everything we can to make it happen. it's like this, what we do for strap, we are also doing for ourselves and the next generation. let us think about the future transpinays, let us make sure they will be more informed, and more represented. let us reclaim our identity.

be inspired, be involved. be TRANSPINAY.

hoping to inspire and be inspired,

, membership coordinator

*~ i only hope that i am able to stop these vibes.

in other news, the new and rebooted strap website is now up and running! view it yourself:

STRAP

and lastly, i hope you're supporting ate rica on pbb!!! go go go rica paras! make us proud!

Rica Paras, the housemate

yup, that picture is evidence that i, the infamous tg-girl, does know the future celebrity and face of transgender in the philippines, RICA PARAS. lol. no, this is not a shameless attempt to ride on a friend's new found celebrity. well, maybe it is. haha.

actually, i am writing this so that once the masses, the intelligent masses i mean, those who have the privilege of searching online in their offices or homes, start typing that name that will be synonymous to educated, empowered, and inspiring transpinay: rica paras, in that search bar, this article will somehow show up. *crossing fingers*

this is my attempt to tell you about a very good friend of mine (honestly) and a very inspiring, empowered and brilliant woman i know. this is for you ate rica.

before i met rica paras, i first read about her in one of the issues of ICON magazine that showcased filipina transsexuals, then still unknown by transpinay, and one of them was this girl named rica paras. this article, of course, was written by none other than that sassy girl. this article was my first preview of that wonderful person and lovable girl. from it i read her story, as she has also told us. she strove ever so hard to become what she is today, from her humble roots, she chose to show that despite some 'imperfections' if you will, she can let her incredible credentials speak for her. she is truly one of the transpinays that can show anyone what a transpinay can do if she set her mind to it. and what we are capable of. and when i finally met her, i was blown away. i knew i had a new sister in her. and everytime we saw each other, she always had that embrace and smile for me, just like a big sister. and she was to me, as all my strap sisters. and i have to admit, i always attended sgm's so i could see her again, and be inspired because of her achievements, to show and tell myself that i too can be like her.

but one of the things about ate rica that inspired me a lot is that, she, being transgendered like me, is loved by none other than a filipino boyfriend. i know i shouldn't put that much stock in filipino boyfriends and prize them as such, but ate naomi, you have to understand, i want someone whose face is mine, whose heart is mine, whose culture is mine. i want a partner i can speak to at the end of the day in my own language, and tell him 'mahal na mahal kita, mahal na mahal.' in pure tagalog. that's all. and so, with ate rica, having a filipino boyfriend, it gives me so much hope that i may find my own jay. that despite being transgendered AND filipino, i am too entitled to a happy ending, just like her.

with her entering big brother's house and well, pinoy media, i feel we have taken one big step. i believe that she will be our face, our voice and our flag bearer. ate rica is an intelligent and brilliant woman, and i know she will change the filipino view of what a transpinay is: that we are not gay men who feel they are trapped in the wrong body, that they want to become women; rather, we ARE women. we are women and ate rica will help us reclaim this identity.

with her own words, we just need to show a little more RESPECT.

to the world this i shout: SUPPORT RICA PARAS!!! brava!!!

to read about the official strap statement regarding this, please click here

and to visit strap's website, either click on the strap logo, or this


be inspired. be involved. i am transpinay and damn hell proud of it!

disappointing ending

that was disappointing.

and so, the sacrilege that is rowena joy is finally over. it is depressing that for people to know how it is for girls like us, it has to be from a gay man's eyes. i remember the question the voice over asks when the trailer for the show is being played, 'will she ever find happiness and love?' that was answered tonight. for the sad truth is, not everyone has a happy ending like in fairytales. rowena joy's bestfriend could not bring himself up to love her despite what she has become, for in his narrow mind, rowena joy is still a man.

but what is the real lesson from rowena joy? even if the titular character is still a gay man by their definition, the filipino family and people depicted there is hope they can and will accept people like her, people like us, for even though the characters are from fiction, they still reflect filipino reality. and as rowena joy said so herself, 'babae ako, kaso parang ang hirap tanggapin ng iba...' (i am a woman, but other people can't accept it).

i had hoped even in this farce of a story, that she will have a happy ending with her bestfriend, unfortunately, not all of us will have our own jay or our own philip.

the dread

after days of deciding, i have finally accepted my fate: that i, possessing such brilliant intelligence and unmatched beauty, am only qualified as a call center slave slash agent. alas, i live in a country that requires a piece of paper called a diploma for even menial jobs. i can't even work as a graphic artist on talent alone, i still need that wretched piece of paper. but hey, if i were a possessor of this magical piece of paper, i would get all the jobs i want.

and so, after the decision has been made, i arranged my requirements for the dreaded job. not tg related, but i just found out my TIN has never been updated, it still is registered under my first office, which was verily strange, for i have been affiliated with 4 companies to date. hmm.

going back to the requirements, one was a medical examination. oh the dread. i always feel dread when i have to undergo this. i don't know about other girls, but i always end up affronted or insulted even. this time was no exception. the nurses were nice enough to address me in a feminine manner, however, mind you, after i put down that infamous letter to designate my sex, the courtesies dramatically changed. but before these un-pleasantries, just a funny bit: i was asked to fill up the bio date forms and after the third page, to my surprise, i almost answered a waiver allowing the clinic to test me even if i were menstruating. so i was baffled. a male nurse then saw my surprise and approached me. i asked about the form and he kindly explained to me that i need to input my menstrual cycle, to which i ashamedly replied i don't menstruate. he apologized and directed me to my seat. after that, i got called MR. and 'Sir', frustrating me. and i got so many looks from the people i was waiting with, looks i know so well. i just shrugged and waited for my examination.

i was actually dreading more the taking of the blood sample other than anything else. but then, the physical examination was too much to bear. of course, since the nurses already knew my assigned sex, i was assigned to a male doctor, to which i noticed a fishy smell... i would have felt more comfortable with a female doctor, but somehow, this clinic made sure i was with a male one. imagine my horror taking off my bra and spongebob underwear to let him see my not-so-female parts.

and like all the staff, the doctor kept on calling me 'sir' without any discretion at all. i thought he would have been more sensitive given his medical background and all. i was sadly disappointed.

i shrugged everything and when my physical exam was finished, i asked the doctor out of curiosity, what if a patient already underwent SRS(to which, the doctor had no idea) would she still be assigned to a male doctor since most clinics follow the assigned sex at birth when assigning patients? doctor fishy was unsure, so he asked a colleague. the answer to my inquiry was this, once a patient had undergone SRS, it means to say that her papers would have to be changed, and as long as said patient have documents backing up her procedure, then and only then would she be assigned to a female doctor. so even if you have undergone SRS and still 'male' on your papers, you would still be assigned to a male doctor?

such was my question.

letter

this was my original letter in reaction to the sacrilege that is rowena joy:

To the producers, writers and production staff of the upcoming show
'Rowena Joy',


Greetings!

We are The Society of Transsexual Women of the Philippines, and we are writing you this letter to discuss with you our reaction to the information provided on your website regarding this series, as well as our feedback to the first episode, since it portrays a Filipino transsexual woman.

First, please allow us to provide you some definition of terms, definitions which we did not invent, but are actually wholly accepted worldwide by all organizations and what we and you should also adhere to:

You graciously used the word 'transgender' to describe the eponymous character to be played by Iza Calzado. However, it seems the use of the word did not fit your usage.

In its broadest sense, transgender can mean anybody regardless of sexual orientation, whose appearance, personal characteristics and behaviors do not fit conventional definitions of “man” and “woman.” This can include anyone from feminine acting men or masculine looking women to people who use hormones and/or surgery to realign their bodies with their gender identity.

Using this definition, the eponymous character is a transgender woman; therefore, feminine pronouns should be used to refer to HER. She is not a gay man.

Regarding sexual orientation, it is again erroneous to use this as a basis for Rowena Joy's identity. If one will Google sexual orientation, in a nutshell, it is one's preferences as to choosing and being attracted to a potential mate, it is a pattern of emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to any gender. It is not, however, the basis for one's gender expression and gender identity. By gender expression, we mean that which comprises the set of external characteristics and behaviors one projects in portraying one’s gender identity which includes dress, mannerisms, speech patterns, physical characteristics, and other acts. By gender identity, it is a person's sense of being male, female or neither, which may or may not correspond to that person's body or assigned sex at birth.

We would like to stress that being transgender is not a sexual orientation nor is it a product of it; in contrast, it is your gender that defines your sexual orientation. For example, using your titular character, if she is indeed a transgender and identifies as a woman, her sexual orientation will be classified as heterosexual, she is a woman, and since the norm is that if a woman is attracted to a man, she is hetero. She will only be homosexual if she is attracted to women. However, after the first episode, it seems our hopes to have the transsexual Filipina portrayed in a different light were shot down. Iza Calzado did a superb job, she was believable at being her character: a gay man who became a woman through science, just like how you described it. She was not effective as a transsexual or transgender. We feel, the whole story was shown from a gay man’s perspective and not a transsexual one.

We understand that there is limited information regarding these definitions as to why the description of the character came to be. We offer this to be an opportunity for everyone to be enlightened, for this is one of our goals as an organization. We are striving to incorporate in the Filipino mind that being transgender doesn't have to mean you are gay or homosexual, or in colloquial terms, bakla. We want to be identified and acknowledged by our gender identity, not our assigned sex at birth, and not most importantly by what the general public denotes as to, i.e. 'sexual orientation'.

We also understand that it was a good choice to cast a talented actress such as Iza Calzado to portray a transsexual woman since most male actors fail horribly in portraying such characters, and that there is absolutely no alternative. We are just saddened that transsexuals are portrayed in a flamboyant and ridiculous manner. We daresay it is not a transsexual woman being portrayed but the amalgam of what people think a transsexual is: a gay man wanting to be or becoming a woman without even knowing or feeling as one.

We would also like to remind you, being from a very influential and powerful network, to be cautious of the use of words because these words can create confusion or certainty. We can work hand in hand to better enlighten and educate our people, to instill respect and dignity, without regard to gender or lifestyle.

We certainly hope that this letter would have done its purpose: to inform you of what we stand for and that we will be watching the series with fervor, if finally, the oppressed Filipina transsexual will be portrayed as we are.

For future opportunities and questions, we offer our services as consultants regarding the transgender experience, being the first and only advocacy, information and support group in the Philippines for transsexuals.


To you we remain,

Gia Alessandra Valeriano Nolasco

The Society of Transsexual Women of the Philippines
(contact info)


*~i hope we can finally send our reaction to gma so our voice can be heard. so our experience can be reclaimed.

on rowena joy

this will be the second week when the new show that features a transpinay on gma: rowena joy. here is the information provided on their website:

Para sa nakararami, walang isang rule sa pag-come out of the closet. But when a person acknowledges his sexual preference, kaya ba niyang harapin ang lahat ng pambabatikos at rejection ng mga minamahal niya sa buhay?

That's what Rowena Joy learns, in this inherent drama of embracing and accepting one's sexuality.

Truly a class all her own, Iza Calzado gives a stellar performance bilang si Rowena Joy (RJ), a transgender who faces bouts of condemnation and apprehension in terms of his sexual orientation.

Joining Iza in this riveting story of love, acceptance and forgiveness are BB Gandanghari, TJ Trinidad, John Apacible, Shamaine Centinera, Rez Cortez, Lawrence Gutierrez, Joseph Paras, Sheree, Prince Stefan, and Renz Michael Valerio; with the special participation of Paolo Ballesteros.

Despite being raised under the care of an iron-fisted father, RJ grows up gay and longs to become a woman. Pero nang makuha na niyang aminin ito sa kanyang ama, he is thrown out and banished from the family.

Pero hindi naman tuluyang mawawalan si RJ, as he finds solace sa company ng kanyang mga kaibigan. With no other way to survive on his own, RJ flies to Japan para subukan ang buhay doon. Sa kanyang pagbabalik Pilipinas, RJ undergoes a total sexual transformation—changing his name from RJ to Rowena Joy to signify the new chapter in his, now her, life.

Okay na sana ang lahat—nang muling magkrus ang landas nina Rowena Joy at ni Gino (TJ Trinidad), ang longtime best friend and secret love niya noong siya'y si RJ pa lamang. Sparks instantly fly betweent the two, and soon, Gino also falls in love with Rowena Joy.

Kaya bang aminin ni Rowena Joy kay Gino kung sino siya talaga? Will her transformation really help her be more accepted by other people, and by her self? At mas matatanggap ba siya ng pamilya niya in her new form as Rowena Joy?

Find out the answers on SRO Cinemaserye presents Rowena Joy, Thursday nights after GMA Telebabad.

*~this description had so many wrong things. here is my summary of the first episode:

hello. i hope everyone was able to watch the first episode of rowena joy on gma. if not, let me give you a summary.

rj, played by paolo ballesteros, is obviously a transgendered character, understandable as still thinking he is a gay man since he isn't aware of the condition, hides his 'sexuality' or better gender from his bestfriend and parents. however, his father, portrayed effectively by rez cortez, discovers his stash of gay magazines and beats the hell out of him and throws him out of the house. notice, how i am using masculine pronouns because at this time, we are under the impression that rj is a gay man.

rj is then taken in by bb and joey paras. poor bb, having to play an unenlightened gay man. she even had to act like a boxer in one scene. to think she would have given some input on how the character should be played. rj is now given an opportunity to live his life.

next we see, seven years later, rj is back from japan(how typical) and lo and behold, rj is now rowena joy, a post op transsexual woman. they have tried their best to call her as such, a woman, however, the rampant 'bakla' is still thrown casually to her.

then, she meets her bestfriend again, who, is obviously attracted to her. this is where the conflict begins.

and so, what do we think about this? well, if they wanted to portray a gay man's love story and painful past, they were successful. if they wanted to portray how gay men who were able to go to japan and have operations done and go back here, they were effective. but portraying a transgender character, they failed horribly. as karla mae put it, the story was taken from a gay man's perspective. i feel, it was not partly the writer and director's fault, for they might be unaware of OUR condition. they might still think that what transgenders experience is what gay men experience. they might be correct. but couldn't they have done some research? was it too hard to try to check how this portrayal would affect transgenders and transsexuals in the country?

but well, the general public is unaware of our plight. certainly the transsexuals who did come from japan and back are still in the impression they are gay men. but not all of them, why, seanel did the japan thing, and she identifies herself as a transpinay.

i feel, the series totally negated any transsexual experience. its as if we were totally erased out of the picture. and it saddens me that this will be one of the ideas the general public will have when they see us.

so what should we do now? we fight. we will.

*~we will take an initiative to enlighten gma, the writers, the directors, everyone. let's see.

of lying

yes, like kris aquino, i am sorry, i lied. not to tita cory though. i lied to everyone i spoke to and said that i am happy and hopeful. well, not entirely lying. i am somewhat happy, that i get to talk to him again, even if i have to make so much effort in reaching out to him. i am hopeful, that he will someday realize that he loves me as much as i do him.

i lied, when i said i would be ok with him not acknowledging and reciprocating my feelings for him. that i would be ok if he just wants to be friends. that i would be willing to wait.

i lied.

but not entirely.

i'm just saying, of course, i would want something more with him than friendship. of course i would want him to be my boyfriend.

i am willing to wait. but how long?

this is my fear: that there will be nothing of me after i'm 25. that's several months from now. i have this unnerving feeling that my life will just stop at that age, whether naturally or on my own terms. i feel, my depression will get the best of me.

so, if ever i would cease to exist, i would want to be happy at least.




*~ incidentally, while trying to write this, i suddenly got inspired again. hope really does spring eternal. i say, so what if he likes another girl? that only means i have to make him realize i'm the one for him more. he will like other girls, yes, but he will eventually choose me. and of course, i'm not the only one around, BUT i am the only one for him. he has to realize this.


to you, the one i adore, watch out. there's a storm coming.

of missed opportunites and twisted possibilities

i had wanted to write this last night, or more accurately, this morning, when i was about to sleep. or, when i had wanted to sleep. first, the story...

last night was supposed to be an eventual night for me. it was my good friend roan's last event last night, and of course she invited me and guess who? he, he who i love dearly so, he who holds my heart of hearts. he confirmed that he would attend and even said, in his own words, he would only come because he wanted to see us. and being the deluded {other word for hopeful, i didn't want to use this word because it means so special to me, maybe dreamer, yes that would do.} dreamer i am, i believed that he meant me when he said us. a code, a way of saying he wanted to see me, that he will only attend to see me. oh how delusional.

but alas, roan contracted a virus that manifested red rashes on her face and body. needless to say, my eventual opportune moment never existed. i was devastated. i had hoped last night would have been THAT night, you know? i was sure something could have happened. but i can't blame anyone. i'm just unlucky. so, i comforted myself with his text messages. oh how sweet i am, you see, i'm happy with just his text messages.

now the clincher. i had thought he would not continue with the plan, but he did, and he shocked me too. during the wee hours, he texted roan and i with the same messages, that it was roan's fault for not coming. and here i went again, was he blaming roan because he was unable to see me? for if roan were there, i would be there for sure. but she wasn't, so had i. again, i was happy he texted me.

but then, an evil thought bore through my mind: what if, he liked her? was he blaming her for not coming because he wanted to see her? he even texted her this morning apologising for his behavior last night and ASKED her out again tonight.


and just like that, my world crumbled, and no one seemed to care.


it is of course possible that he may like her. of course it is. but why her?


this is what gets me the most... why her? i surely am far more beautiful, and thinner. but we are forgetting the most crucial difference between her and me: she was born a girl, and i, a boy. and that's all that matters in this country.

and now i am defeated.

oh loneliness... oh hopelessness...


i will end this note with two sentiments:

if i had only been born a girl, he would have chosen me, loved me.

but as my hopeful heart of hearts beats, if not this lifetime, then the next, and the next. i will search for you, and hope that in that next, it would be i you choose and love.

transphobia rearing its fugly head

i am saddened that two of my sisters, naomi and sass, were victims of a recent hate mail. you can read more about it here.

why does hatred like this still exist? is it to remind us that the battle is not yet over?

i believe that this is an opportunity for transpinays to uphold what STRAP is here for: to inspire. let us take this hatred and use it to show how beautiful transpinays really are.

we can get affected by it, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. i pity this simple minded ignoramus. much he doesn't know. he is stuck to the bigotry and blindness that he is still believing to be true. and we should pity such a person, despite his efforts to bring us down.

to you my sisters naomi and sass, i will always always be here for you, in the moment you can no longer take the pain, the ignorance, the hate, i will be there to embrace and comfort you. that time may never happen, but when it does, my arms are always here.

to transpinays everywhere: keep the flame burning!

The Society of Transsexual Women of the Philippines Renaissance Manifesto

last august 8 and 9 of the year of lour lord 2009, the monthly support group meeting of STRAP was held at the renaissance makati city hotel manila. this was one of the most historic events in our organization, one, for we have reached a plum number of 12 attendees, and two because this was when the titular manifesto was drafted. here is the said manifesto:





here's to hoping we can make it all happen.

hope and despair

sometimes we falter, but what's important is we stay on track and hope for the best.

that was one of my status messages on my facebook. i wrote that, because, at that time, i was indeed faltering in my dream. i felt, would he really like me for me? is he avoiding me? what if he doesn't realize it is me?

but then, hope sprung eternal.

'Hope is not a dream but a way of making dreams become reality.' -anonymous

now that is my status. for like i often say, even if he does not reciprocate my feelings, even if he turns me down, even if he hurts me, i am prepared. i am even willing to get hurt, if that is what is needed for myself to prove to him my love.

for i want my love for him to be truly unconditional, never asking for anything in return, and can do anything in the name of love.

i don't know, some people might think i am delusional, or obsessed, but i feel sane. i am just very hopeful. and well, i think you really can't understand how i feel if you don't know how it is to have hope. when you have hope, everything seems possible. nay, everything IS possible. and despite obstacles and bumps in the way, we should still keep on track, for the end of the road will come sooner or later.

i love him, and i just do. that is why i shall never lose hope.

the epiphany

An epiphany (from Ancient Greek ἐπιφάνεια Epiphaneia, “manifestation, striking appearance”) is the sudden realization or comprehension of the (larger) essence or meaning of something. The term is used in either a philosophical or literal sense to signify that the claimant has "found the last piece of the puzzle and now sees the whole picture," or has new information or experience, often insignificant by itself, that illuminates a deeper or numinous foundational frame of reference.

that, is the definition from wikipedia of the eponymous word for this post i am writing. i, gia alessandra, indeed has had an epiphany. i have suddenly realized and now found the last piece of the puzzle that is my life. it is funny, that the missing piece was always that one i always knew.

and so, this is my epiphany. it's him. he is the one i've been waiting for all these years, he is the reason i exist. i feel, not to be pessimistic, but more so ideal, i can no longer love anyone else. i may meet someone else, but in my heart of hearts, i know it's just him. my heart beats only for him. he is the person i want to live the rest of my life with. he is my destiny.

and no, i am not just being carried away with what my friends say. i've been constantly having these dreams, and when i am sleepless, only his face shows up in my mind. and no, i am not obsessed. i am only realizing how much i loved him, how much i still do, and how much he is the one for me.

now, the hard part is for him to realize now that i'm the one for him. am i ready to wait for another ten years, for it took me that long to realize this? maybe. i feel, he is the mate my soul has been looking for all this millennia. if not in this lifetime, then i will go back and live another life, if only to search for him again and again. it's him. i'm sure. i've never been this sure.

i am happy, that i have finally realized this, i feel a sense of contentment, that i know who or what i need to be complete, and afraid at the same time, for he may not know it yet, or if for him, i am not the one he is looking for. but it is ok. what's important is i love him, and that's what matters.

i love you. i have always did. i still do. and i will, forever.

untitled

he was my first, and i want him to be my last.

i guess, i'll never love again, if this is to be true.

i am happy i got to see him again, and even talk to him even if just for a few minutes, but they were the longest minutes of my life.

i do regret, however, that my courage failed me to come out and talk to him, despite the many claims he was looking and asking for me.

i will forever have a hole in my heart.

i will get through this, perhaps forget, but i know i will always have that hole.

oh nothing

this is the reason why i did not want to add him up.



now i'm being paranoid, thinking why, oh why, of all the reasons would he announce such a thing like that.

but of course, he just put that because it is his profile and it can say anything he wants it to say. and there is no way it is to tell me anything.

and yet, here i am bothered by it.

silly girl, i am.

yeah

perhaps, i should just forget about him. maybe it's the best thing to do. i mean, i have been waiting and hoping for ten years. and what? nothing.

liza is right. what could have happened is in the past. and i'm sure if it didn't happen before, it will never happen now.

i have done what i thought i needed for closure. i wrote him that letter. and before sending it, i decided that no matter what happens, i will move on and close that chapter in my life, as liza also said.

and yet, here i am, pondering the imponderables...

thine mortals eyes are not meant to see the future. but what will happen if he does attend our reunion?

i wonder.

and now i repeat the spiral.

if only i had been born a genetic girl, then only by then, he would like me for me, love me.

i guess i'm just hoping i could have one of those stories with happy endings...


he was my first, and i wanted him to be my last.

but a dream is a dream is only a dream.





...is it crazy look,i wanna know now
For I to knock some more
In life I know there is lots of grief
But your love is my relief...

what now?

in a singular relapse of my often brilliant judgment, i added him up on my facebook account, because i was getting tired of being openly mocked by that cruel online networking site, showing me his picture and his name on my account... i added him thinking, what the hell? it's not like he'll add me right? i mean, he ignored my messages. wouldn't that mean he doesn't want to be friends? i even posted a status message saying



and then i ate dinner, when i got back, there was this ominous red number one sign on the bottom right hand portion of the screen, and i had the feeling it wasn't good news.


and lo and behold it said the words i never imagined i'd see.

i mean, i didn't expect he'd add me. for a few seconds i felt my heart stop beating. my gut reaction? push the print screen button.

so what now? does that mean he wants to be friends? because there will come a time that i'll be online and so will he. what now?

of course, being the overly dramatic thespian wannabe i am, i will blow this up to legendary proportions.

he just added me, that's all. it doesn't have to mean anything.

at least, that's what i'm hoping for, isn't it?

isn't it?

my letter to him

hello again. i've been thinking a lot about you for the past few days. i had been deciding if i should add you or not, on facebook, pero you not answering my last message and well, what happened before makes me decide not to. so why am i writing you again? hindi ko din alam dave, i guess, i wanted to know how you're doing now. and well, i have unresolved questions in my mind. siguro, i'm just imagining things, and i'm just basing what i am thinking on how i knew you back then, siguro nagbago ka na, pero we were bestfriends before right? hindi ko lang alam kung bakit super wala na tayo contact sa isa't-isa, e sa lahat naman ng naging friend ko hanggang ngayon we still catch up. i know i did try contacting you again. i even tried telling you about me, pero it seems you weren't comfortable with it. i don't know. well, most people now know my condition, being transgendered. like i told you, i have this feeling na galit ka sakin for something, and i wish i knew. and well, i am hoping we could be friends again. regarding the reunion, i hope you'll attend. i maybe paranoid pero sana if ever you won't, it won't be because of me. so yun, hope to see you, pero if not, take care always.


*~ here's to moving on.

...

maybe i'm just fooling myself. maybe i'm just holding on to something that will never happen.


i have to sort out my feelings. of course i love him, that never changed. but am i actually hoping he would want to have a relationship with me? maybe.

maybe i'm just blowing this up to exaggerated proportions.

i dunno.

what might have been, what could have been

i can't stop writing about it. i just closed down my facebook account, so i couldn't express my current mood and thought of the moment. so here i am.

i was just asking myself, why am i punishing and torturing myself by looking at his pictures, his pictures that i foolishly asked a friend to get from his account, seeing that i am so cowardly that i won't add him up.

i don't even know why i am deluding myself into hoping he might have feelings for me. never expect. he's straight. but i'm a girl. but we know he'll never like us for us. why am i hoping that after all these years, he would have forgiven me for what ever i had done, he would be still thinking about me.

maybe i'm just fooling myself. i mean, obviously, he would have a girlfriend. or i could believe that gossip that he's gay. so whichever way, he still won't be into me.

and viva said she'd be deleting dave. if it were only that easy.


i know i have to move on, i just can't.


and i don't want to.

of the typical reaction of a guy when he discovers his bestfriend has a crush on him

i forgot to mention, and rather than edit my previous post, i'll just add it here, for i feel my last one was perfect. i have this idea that he is somewhat angry at me. for no reason? well, i have a theory. by and by, the title for this post refers to guy's best friends who turn out gay, or in my case, trans. going back to my theory, i believe he had feelings for me, of course i made my speculations on what he showed me when we saw each other again, i mean, we almost kissed. so, with that thought, the reason why he is so angry and even saying on his friendster account that he hates gays, is because he was afraid of what he felt for me, myself being what he considered as male and gay. oh boy you had it oh so wrong. despite our history, my gender is not dictated by the sex i was assigned at birth. even if you knew me as your best friend all those years ago, i am a different person in the sense that i am not the person you once knew. i am a woman, dave. if you have feelings for me, you aren't gay. it just so happened i was born and assigned male at birth, but my gender says otherwise. but you, you i love dearly so, you i have been thinking about for ten years, are just like most people. most guys at that. there is a notion that once a guy discovers his then unknown as gay/trans best friend's affection for him, either flees and dissolves the friendship for fear of reciprocating said feelings and be outed as gay or if there should be any, accept the person as he is, and end up together.

this, i have yet to see. i have read about this scenario oh so many times. best friend develops feelings for his guy friend. guy friend seems to care for his best friend genuinely. best friend admits feelings. guy friend may disappear for some time. guy friend and best friend meet each other again, and guy friend finally admits HIS feelings for best friend. and they end up happily ever after.

such a load of horse crap.

and yet, i hold such a dream in my heart of hearts. i dream, that some day, he will realize that it was i all along, i who loves him the most, i who was always there, waiting, my heart beating only for him. that i will be the one he takes out for dinner, takes to the beach, takes into his arms. oh such a dream that is.

if only i have the courage to talk to him, to tell him of this, to show him he can love me, without fear of being ridiculed by anyone. to show him, i have always been here, waiting, and loving him.

and maybe, just maybe, i will have that happy ending of my own.


he was my first, and i wanted him to be my last.

of first loves and bestfriends

i have been attempting to write this for 3 days now, and i only found courage to finally do it now. i have been repeating what i will write over and over again in my mind, making sure i put into words each emotion i felt. and here it goes...

like most people, well, normal people, i too had a best friend. actually, i had lots of best friends. in every stage of my life i attach myself to a certain person and impart a piece of my soul on said person so whenever i see him or her again, i will see a reflection of myself. but this one, this one person i am singling out, was not only my best friend, he was my first love.

how does one tell who one's first love is? i have had people i thought were my first love. one i definitely know was just puppy love, i mean, i was just ten years old. and i didn't know who i am at that time. then i had passing infatuations, one or two. and come high school. i know i was still immature at that age but when i was starting to discover who i truly am, i also discovered i was in love with him.

at that time, of course, one would say it was not love. infatuation maybe. and besides, we were best friends. he was always a classmate, we weren't that close in our early years but we often get seated next to each other, having the same letter for the beginning of our last names. i remember being friends with him, but i wouldn't think he was someone special.

and then we got close. it just happened. he was this one guy who was always too sleepy, lazy, or just plain uninterested. and he was the first one to make me feel special. for he needed me. i became his friend, tutor, and whatever you can think of. my friends used to tease me about our special friendship, they said it were as if we were in a relationship. but we weren't. we were just best of friends. and believe it or not, i didn't know i was falling for him. i just felt, he was this one special person in my life, that i was willing to do anything for him.

fast forward to college and the later years, i saw him again once, thrice. at that time, i knew i was still holding a torch out for him. and yes, we almost kissed. after so many years, something could have finally happened. but it did not. at least, i knew, he did feel something for me. i also remember his then girlfriend being jealous of me, of me, his high school best friend. oh how i hated that girl.

then he deleted me on friendster. never answered my messages. i moved on for a bit. but i always kept in my mind, that question: what if we never lost contact? what if?

whenever i see an old classmate, somehow, when his name is mentioned, the spot light turns on me. it's as if, everybody knew of our secret and yet, we ourselves didn't know. well, i knew i loved him. now i am sure i loved him. love him. for until now, i still have feelings for him. ten years and counting.

and so, with this reunion coming up, i dread seeing him again. after all these years. and yet, i can't stop looking at his pictures, his pictures i asked a friend to get for me, for i am too scared of adding him up as a friend for fear of being rejected, he didn't reply to my message after all. and i still haven't added him up, despite three people telling me i should add him. i am too scared to even follow my own rule of three.

i shall end this vignette with my friend's words, words that are also in my mind, my soul, my heart:

[12:43] Kacy Garcia: yep
[12:43] Kacy Garcia: yung kay dave
[12:44] Kacy Garcia: malay mo you two had the chance pero super pinigilan ang sarili. baka siguro kasi because of external factors like people. pero hell with it kung di ka din naman magiging masaya. take the chance. magiging satisfied ka naman whether hindi o oo ang relasyon. at least di ka na sana mashadong nag-iisip
[12:44] Kacy Garcia: many people were against us pero di na min sasacrifice feelings namin para lang ma-feed at masatisfy sila.
[12:44] Kacy Garcia: para sa inyo naman ni dave, sayang kung meron ngang love between the both of you
[12:45] Kacy Garcia: nakakahinayang lang na sana nalaman mo. kasi di din naman kayo speaking terms ngayon e. kung nalaman mo baka ngayon kayo na. or kung di naman, at di kayo din mag-uusap, at least nalaman mo na

i may never know his true feelings for me, or why he is angry with me, if he is. he seems happy. i should be happy for him.

new banner

yeah, my new banner doesn't look that snazzy, but hey, it'll do for the mean time. i mean, it did achieve what i wanted, a superhero-ey look. next i will change the background. i hope i can learn html so i can change the banner's background size. gosh, this blog is gonna look gooo-ood! and please remind me to blog about the following:

1.) my mom and her relatives
2.) why i quit
3.) my sister and me, err, i

ok!

and the blog was redesigned...

fancy my new logo? alas, since tg-girl had nothing to do, she designed a new logo. now if only she can think of a nice banner... something superhero-ey. hmm...

no posts yet, tg-girl is in the designing phase...

of lesbians and transboys

this is an article for a very good friend of mine. here's to you miles.

one thing i have noticed here in singapore is there seems to be more lesbians or transboys than gay men or transgirls. i have seen a handful of gay men, about two transgirls, and everyday one or two lesbians and what i suppose are transboys.

i did not mean this article to be GG with pau's recent post; i have just let this article fester and rot in my innards. gross. pau's post is about transboys. i also commented on that post. thanks btw pau for my very first comment. in it i mentioned that i feel there are cases of transboys in the philippines, they are just not aware they are of the experience, for in our socially inept and backward culture, there is no such thing as being transgendered. these girls, err boys, are brought up believing they are innately female, they just happened to like girls, which, they think makes them lesbians. they can be lesbians of course, if their gender identity is female, which would mean they identify as girls and yet prefer girls as well. but this is my argument, how come these supposed lesbians bind their breasts, cut really short and style their hair, walk as if they had suspended witnesses between their legs, wear baggy and one size bigger clothes... the lists goes on, but whether subconsciously or not, they ultimately do these things for one thing: to look male. or not female. why do they try so hard to hide if not erase any visible sign they are female? isn't being a lesbian about being a woman that likes women?

i feel i can relate to what these supposed lesbians are experiencing. however, in my part, i live as a woman, ergo the choices i make, to look, act, sound, and be a woman. that is what i am. i have embraced that. so why can't they?

my friend miles is a bit ambiguous about her/his gender identity. of course, i can't force my beliefs to her/him, however, what she/he sometimes tells me confuses me. for example, we once had a conversation about SRS's, i had enlightened her/him about the procedure, because she/he was actually asking me that once i have it cut off, give it to her/him. so i explained the procedure as i understood it. she/he was of course grossed out, and yet, enlightened. so i joked about her/him being transgendered like me. why want a penis if you identify as a woman, right? she/he said she didn't know. miles doesn't even wear a bra most of the time. i never really thought of her/him as boobsie, because at the back of my mind, she/he is a boy. i seriously believe miles maybe a transboy.

i have another colleague that identifies herself/himself as a lesbian. and yet, she/he herself said she/he never really thought of herself/himself as a girl. she/he then contradicts this by saying she didn't want to be a boy. weird. she/he then describes her/his childhood, giving an ancedote that when she/he was little, her/his father joked about giving her/him a horse's penis so that she/he would truly be a boy. and she/he wanted this at her/his young age, for she/he thought, she/he wanted something her/him brothers had. her/his demeanor is also like a man's. the way she/he takes charge, her/his likes and dislikes.

i wish there was a way these supposed lesbians would know they are actually of the experience. they might be happy just being the way they are, but i still want them to realize what's what, so that they would know how it feels like. i wish transboys had a STRAP of their own.

one more thing i wanted to say about lesbians and transboys is that, it is very cruel and unfair that they can find people that will love them for them, and girls like me, even some gay men, cannot and do not. and don't get me started on their acceptance by the general public. i just envy lesbians and transboys, for girls they woo and court willingly accept them. i am jealous of the love they share. i am also happy, that there is love like that in the world. i can't say it gives me hope, but at least there are less people that are unhappy, for they have found what we, mortals and the like, truly need and die for, LOVE.

love. i hope one day i would find what i am looking for.

of being used

i was supposed to write this last night, after the one about bestfriends, but well, writing takes emotional energy from me. i dunno. anyways, well, here it goes...

as you well know by now, i read sex stories from some website, and some if not most of them featured straight men who did sexual favors for, what else, money.

and so we are introduced to another facet of being gay(and in some twisted association, trans) in the philippines. there is a culture of filipino gay men acting as financiers, sugar daddies, pseudo-lovers, and whatnot to straight, attractive and yes, desperate or otherwise men. i might be generalizing it but these straight men almost all the time take advantage of the gay man's affection and generosity, and in exchange either offers sexual favors or the promise of love. love. and the gay man offers and gives everything to the straight guy up to the point of being pathetic. usually, it starts with the gay man offering the money to the straight guy, whether the straight guy initiates the conversation or not, then eventually, they form a sort of understanding that in exchange for sex, companionship, pseudo-relationships or whatnot, wherein the gay man gives the straight guy an allowance, or just gives money everytime the straight guy either mentions he needs the money but doesn't want to impose or ask so that he won't get tagged as just using the gay man for money, or in some rare instances, just asks or even demands the money. this is an exhausting cycle.

as i have discussed in my previous entries, being trans in the filipino setting is almost if not totally the same as being gay. and yes, i am actually writing from experience. i have unfortunately become part of these pseudo-relationships time and again. why? simply because i like, no love the feeling it gives me, to be needed. and yes, i know the guy i'm in a pseudo-relationship with does not really like me, nor love me for that matter, i believe he also does not think of me as a girl. and yet, i still give in to his demands.

my rationale is like this: i have entered these pseudo-relationships for the purposes of

1.) companionship
2.) the feeling of being needed
3.) the thrill and excitement of courtship
4.) to feel what it would be like to be in a relationship, even if it's all make believe.

the reason why i consciously want and agree to be used is because i want to be needed. it felt great that someone i thought i loved but was actually infatuated with needed me. most of the time, that feeling was just all i need. it felt like a drug to me.

and i guess most people would never understand that. like, i have this friend, a former friend actually, who is gay and claims he has undergone what he thinks i am just experiencing at the time, acting as though he knows me better than i know myself, ugh, who i think thinks less of me for consciously agreeing to be used. he told me that he wishes that i meet someone that i won't have to pay to like me, because even if he truly cannot understand, comprehend and grasp the idea of being transgendered, he thought that if i were really a girl, guys won't use me for money and take advantage of my vulnerability. what gets me the most about this ex-friend of mine is that, well aside from the fact he is pretending and believing he is straight-acting, he thinks he knows me enough and he pities me. at least i know i'm not kidding myself, and i am aware of what i'm doing. he even boasts about a trans friend of his that has a boyfriend that treats 'her' like a real girl, but mind you, his trans friend does not identify as a woman, 'she' actually calls 'herself' as gay, not in the sexual orientation sense but the supposed gender role. notice how i refer to this person as 'her' and 'she', i consider her as female despite herself calling bakla.

i believe i have actually reached a stage in my maturity that whenever i am in a pseudo-relationship, i can distance myself so i won't get hurt but i usually do in the long run, and that i am constantly aware that this is not real. i actually think of it as some sort of business transaction. or, in my own perverted way of thinking, helping out the person by giving him money. but even though i see myself as mature, i still delude myself into believing that if i help him enough, if i give everything, in the end, he'll love me. i believe no one is prone to that. i have read somewhere that gay men do this because most of the time, the straight guy ends up loving them because of their genuine kindness and generosity.

you'd think, after a few pseudo-relationships, i'd learn my lesson. and it doesn't help that my friends think less of me for being in one. it's sad that the general conclusion people make when a straight guy is in some form of understanding with a gay man or in my case a trans is that he is just using the person. i now ask this, why can't a straight guy fall for a gay man or a trans just for the sake of falling in love and not for money?

and so, we all have our reasons why we sometimes act foolish. so before you judge a person, think first why a person does that.

of bestfriends

and so, i set my mind that before i sleep, i will watch antique, again, the one i just wrote about some moments ago. and yet, here i am writing again. for that is how it is with people that muses visit. one must create when the time is right.

as in my previous post, i do not only look for gay films, i have also frequented a website that has a collection of gay stories, with almost all about the many but similar intimate experiences of gay men. i usually choose the stories wherein the narrator was lucky to get a person he is attracted to, somehow, it gives me hope that there are people out there that are open to such intimate experiences such as that, despite the fact that the stories maybe just fiction. there are also some stories that tell of how some men are inclined to enter these intimacies due to desperation.

i am not a stranger to these kind of stories. however, it wasn't this kind of story that inspired me to write. it was the type of stories wherein bestfriends develop feelings for each other, or the straight friend falls for the gay friend that initially loves the straight one and they end up with each other.

i have noticed that with some independent films, even though the straight character develops such feelings for his gay friend, they still do not end up with each other, it's like, a rule that gay men should never be essentially happy, and that a man is made only for a woman, that is why in the end, the straight guy ends up with a girl and he parts ways with his gay friend. i have seen this from sikil, ang lalaki sa parola and kambyo. i remember the first independent film i saw, ang pagdadalaga ni maximo oliveros, and how i felt that i was seeing my life, or what my life should have been; i saw myself in maxi. i had also hoped that he and kuya victor would somehow end up with each other, but as most tragic gay characters, maxi walks away, without even a glance at his beloved.

so the question is, how come gay men end up so lonely in the end with these films? how come in some stories about bestfriends, they end up happy?

again i allude to gay men's experiences because even though i am a woman, sadly, in the filipino setting, my experiences mirror what gay men experienced. i share the experiences with gay men when i was still young. the reason for this is because in our setting and culture, we do not automatically realize that we are transgendered or are transsexuals. we know we are different. almost all of my friends have felt and experienced relating to a gay man early in life. maybe the reason why some if not most filipinos cannot fully grasp the idea of being transgendered and transsexual is because we do not have a complete idea of the gender role of gay men. we hear about the parlorista type of gay man, the effeminate and flamboyant cross-dresser. we hear about gay men that grow their hair long and pluck their eye brows and use mountains of foundation. we hear about gay men that say they feel like women and yet have big burly muscles. and these are some of the stereotyped filipino gay men. perhaps, these gay men themselves are not aware they might be transgendered. and since they themselves identify as gay men, the larger society transmutes this self-identity to trans-girls like myself. they automatically equate me to other gay men, despite the fact that i introduced myself as a woman, behave as a woman, speak like a woman, and well, just be a woman to them.

and so, going back to my question, how come the protagonist, whether he be a gay man or a transgendered woman in the making, end up lonely? of course, one would argue that if one truly loves a person, one would set the person free, or for people that need to put these romantic, unrequited lovers down, magpaparaya because the person these lovers devote their lives to were never theirs in the first place. why is a filipino gay man/transwoman's story always have this ending? are we not allowed our happy ending with our prince charming?

but of course, not all stories end up as tragedies. there are those that tell of a trans-girl meeting the man of her dreams, he might be from another country, a different generation, or speaks in a different tongue, or he might be the trans-girl's bestfriend that realized that he actually loved his bestfriend, and takes her for what and what she may not be. and these stories give me hope, hope that i too someday would end up with a happy ending of my own. that i would meet a person that i am attracted to, and he would take me as i am and see me as what i am truly am, a girl.

incidentally, i too had a bestfriend of my own. i have tried time and again to reach him, sometimes i have been successful, other times not, and even though i know he did feel something for me, just like in those stories, sadly, we did not have that happy ending. but i am still hoping. maybe never in this lifetime, so see you in the next, dave.

of getting korean fever and being horny

while perusing sites for any free streaming gay movies, i chanced upon a poster,



and lo and behold, it's joo ji hoon! this guy down here



the person i loved in goong. but enough about that. so i googled, well actually i yahooed it, the movie i mean, which is to say antique, and i confirmed that it was joo ji hoon as one of the main characters.

antique, the movie title, is a film adaptation of a yaoi-ish manga, but to better give you an idea, here is the synopsis/plot:

"As an heir to the family fortune, Jin-hyuk has money, the looks, the charm, everything except finding the love of his life. So he sets up a cake shop where women are sure to come. He hires Sun-woo, a talented patissier who had a crush on Jin-hyuk back in high school. Along with an ex-boxing champion Gi-beom and a clueless bodyguard Su-young, the four unique and handsome young men stir up the quiet neighborhood at their cake shop, Antique. Although seemingly careless and happy, each of the four men have unforgettable past that they are afraid to face, but their secrets slowly begin to unravel."

this is not a review btw. this is just my post on the movie i saw. lol.

anyhoo, i so loved the movie. well, maybe not that much, but hey, it's a picker-upper. i super loved kim jae wook as sunwoo. he was perfect for the part. i know he's gay and all in the movie, but he does exude the gayness. haha. and i have a crush on yu ah-in, he's so cute. but of course, my heart still belongs to ji hoon. he's so different in this movie.

now, at the beginning of my post, i mentioned i was perusing websites for gay films. why gay films, you may ask, well, one, gay films somewhat depict or mirror issues transpeople face, i can certainly relate to some situations even if the main character is a gay man. i guess this is because the gender role of a gay man is somewhat unclear in the filipino setting. for me, it's a bit of a blur, actually. like with a gay friend of mine, i have asked him if he thinks he might be trans, but he says he thinks of himself as a boy, and yet, he was so giddy when people told him he looked like a girl. so i thought to myself, he might not be a transsexual but he might be transgendered. anyway, whatever. going back, i looked for gay films i could watch so that i can see a part of my soul in one or two of the characters. oh, i think i had another point. yeah, two, i was horny. haha. or as rachel said, erotically charged. so i like seeing two men kiss to get me going. am i a pervert now senator revilla? mein gott.

and so, i shall be watching antique again as i lay before my slumber. just a thought, how come nobody made an independent film featuring a trans character yet? i know there's the racquela film, but that's more of a documentary. maybe i should lobby the idea. oh well.

is he straight?

don't you just get tired of people asking you stupid questions? i mean, of course they don't know they're asking a stupid insensitive question, but hey, what can we do about it? they don't know about the experience. and here i go explaining to them what's what. what exactly am i ranting about? here...

you see, no, you don't see, because i have not wrote about it so you wouldn't know, but anyways, i am for the lack of a better term, seeing someone. and bite your tongue if you're going to ask, is he straight?

OF COURSE HE IS. i don't get it. i have had a couple, no, a few people ask me this after i tell them about him. as far as i can remember, i never saw anything in him that would tell me he's gay. and besides, i don't go for gay guys, i have had a crush on one or three, but i know how to pick them, and the person i'm seeing, i know is straight.

i feel, these people, my friends, my good friends, don't know how much that question means if you ask a person with my experience. i actually felt insulted. it's like, you acknowledge that i'm a girl, you accept my idealogy and think of me as a girl, and yet, when a guy likes me, you still think of me as a boy and feel that the person who likes me is gay, because he is attracted to me. that's just wrong.

like how i discussed this with a very good friend of mine, who, by whatever reason unknown to me, took up nursing, so she should have had a better understanding about the experience, but well, i was a bit disappointed. basically, what i told her was, well, it's a bit complicated, but simple in a way as well.

we are dealing with preference and sexual orientation here. being gay is more of one's sexual orientation, about one's preference in mates. in my explanation to her, a guy, a girl, a trans-girl or a trans-boy can be gay, in the sense that they like a person of the same sexual orientation or preference as they have. a girl is gay if she is into and is attracted to another girl, a trans-girl is also gay in this line of thought if she is into or is attracted to another girl or trans-girl. a guy is gay if he likes another guy, a trans-boy can be gay if he likes another boy or a trans-boy as well. so anybody can be gay, as long as they are attracted to a person who shares the same sexual orientation as they have. but in light of argument, how can a gay person be attracted to a straight person? or a girl be attracted to a gay guy?

now it has something to do with how a person identifies. a girl, a straight girl can be attracted to a gay guy because said gay guy though has a preference for guys, because despite this preference, he still identifies as male, and since he identifies as male, the girl can be attracted to him. this is also why a gay guy's crush for a straight guy would be deemed ok, because the straight guy is still a guy, which the gay guy likes.

so, given these explanations, why would a gay guy be attracted to a trans-girl? i'm not saying that's impossible. let me rephrase my question, why would a guy be not straight if he's attracted to a trans-girl? using my explanation, it would be perfectly normal if a straight guy would be attracted to a trans-girl, because even if both were assigned male at birth, one is a boy and the other is a girl. as i have proven, this question was asked because my friends still considered me as a boy, and with how they think, that if a boy likes another boy, whether the boy is actually trans-girl or not, the boy would be gay. and that's a bit hurtful.

i personally think that a straight guy can be attracted to a trans-girl without him needing or becoming gay. i am a girl, so a guy can be attracted to me. i really don't get why i have to get this question. maybe because it is hard to understand such concepts. and that is why we are here. and by we, i mean girls who have the experience. we are here to educate and enlighten people. we can get mad and offended, but remember, they do not know. that's why we have to tell them. explain to them. teach them.

my friend and i ended our conversation with her apologising. and of course, i accepted it. and i am pleased that i was able to explain to her.

but what about the possibility that a gay guy does get attracted to a trans-girl? i told her, then that gay guy must be bisexual. or confused.

and as i realized from our conversation as i am finding out now, no matter how hard i explain, it just boils down to who we are at the end of the day. or how we identify at the end of the day.

so, the guy who likes me isn't gay. he's straight. he is.

a repost

thanks much pau! love the message as well. and i am assuming it's ok as well with our very own sassy girl. i'm thinking about some more stuff i can write about, issues we know and experience, it being the experience.



on another note, happiest birthday ate nins! i'm sure all of here at STRAP wish you more blessings and we hope we could experience your presence so we could let you feel how it is to belong. love you! love you all transpinays!



to miss cameron, i love your inquiry! haha. gossip makes our little lives a bit more intriguing. here's what i know. hayden has been vicki belo's boyfriend for a few years now, they claim to be in love but well, he is about her daughter's age, and she is about his mother's. the daughter is against the relationship too. before all this scandal and senate inquiries and sex videos, vicki broke up with hayden after discovering the affair with katrina halili. hayden even commited suicide to try and win her back. however, as a doctor who is close to both belo and hayden said, jayden is a doctor, he would know how to kill himslef if he truly wished to do so. there, just a few things that would give you an idea. lol.



and why all the fuss about him creating his sex videos anyway? these psychologists are quick to pronounce him a pervert or crazy even. i know it's some sort of perversion and he might not be all ok in the head, but for me, it's sort of a man thing, he wanted to have proof of his conquests, however perverted they are. but we are talking about women here, which is supposed to be the normal behavior, right? it's not as if he had sex with corpses, animals or children. i remember this psychologist saying, what he has is sexual voyeaurism, which in her words is like being turned on with something not considered normal. by using that definition, gay people would be sexual voyeurs, then, for they like and are turned on with the same sex, which is not normal for those ignorant people. i just feel this is being too hyped about. i'm not saying we should pity hayden, but hey, this is starting to feel annoying. maybe revilla is just using this media circus as a ploy for higher office. just a thought, i'm sure i'm wrong.



p.s. if you have the time please read my blog and tell me what you think:

http://themisadventuresoftg-girl.blogspot.com/


*~obviously, as i have indicated on the title, this is a repost. this was my reply to some comments on the yahoogroup. miss cameron also asked about the scandal that is terrorizing the country as of the moment. and i can't believe i'm also commenting on it! hah! well, i'm so GG, which means gaya-gaya.


and wow! i have a follower! nice to meet you aiyah! thanks for taking the time to read. peace

the experience and my family

being stuck babysitting does have its benefits. what, you may ask? aside from the bond that is created between my infant nephew and me, i have the time to write. har har.

anyways, i decided to write about some funny memories and moments i have with my family with regards to 'the experience'. (i am coining 'the experience' as a cool term to describe bein transgendered. hah!) i'll be collecting these moments when my family talks about the experience. hope you find them enjoyable.

just today, earlier:

my ate: so ano, mas gusto mo ba itawag sayo 'tita gia' instead of 'tito digs'?

my answer: (amused) it doesn't matter.

*~well, i know my transpinay sisters would disagree. it does matter to have my family recognize my condition and the experience. but hear me out. i know and believe that even if my whole family accept that i am truly a woman, there will always be a part in their mind that i am their son, brother, and tito. i have accepted that. i don't know. what's important is i know they love me, whether i am different or not.

a few days ago, my ate made kwento about a coworker she had...

my ate: meron nga sa office, trans...

moi: trans?...

my ate: trans... transvestite. pero girl na sya.

moi: so SHE's a transsexual, not a transvestite.

my ate: huh? what's the difference?

moi: a transvestite is a man who enjoys wearing women's clothing which maybe for personal satisfaction or sexual gratification. a transsexual is a person who identifies as the opposite of the sex that was assigned to him/her at birth.

my ate: e ano transgendered?

moi: it's the umbrella term. i know i am trangendered and a transsexual, pero not all people can be transsexual and transgendered at the same time. parang transgendered is the experience.

my ate: e ano naman ang tranny?

moi: for me, it's a derogatory word, it's like the word negro, if you use it when referring to blacks, they might get insulted, ganun din with trans, it's like, we can use it within ourselves but if you call us that medyo nakakaoffend...

my ate: i don't get it.

moi: yeah, like the filipino population.

*~i know i'm a bit shaky on the terminologies but i hope i did the experience justice. and i know my ate got it. she keeps on askin me about the experience, mind you.

about a few years ago, my then 8 year old nephew asked me...

my pamangkin: tito, girl ka ba o boy?

moi: (shocked and amused) ah... shempre kaya mo nga ako tinatawag na tito e...

my pamangkin: ah...

*~ i know my nephew had more questions and i just answered so that i can deflect it. haha, i know i should have answered him then and there, but hey, this is my nephew, the child of my ate, who know what she will do to me for introducing such concepts to him. besides, it doesn't matter to me what they call me, as long as in my heart, i love them and they love me. but eventually, i might need to change their perception. but not now, not now... yet.

this was so many years ago, there was an episode of some local show that featured a post op transsexual:

my mom: anak o, tignan mo sya(referring to the trans character) lalaki sya dati!

moi: (thinking why does she tell me this) ah ok...

my mom: ang galing noh?

*~i love my mommy. even if she really can't accept the fact that i wear panties and bras, she still washes and puts them in my cabinet.

and one last, but there will be lots to follow... my other ate called us up to update us on her baby's condition. i tactlessly told her it was her fault her baby has that condition, she being a match to her husband's carrier gene, thus producing the outcome in their child...

my other ate: edi ibig sabihin fault din ni ma kung bakit ka ganyan?

my ate: (laughing)

moi: hindi, di ba sabi mo it's a choice? sa letter mo sabi mo choice ko kung bakit ako ganito.

*~my stand is that everything is biological, chemical that is. we are the way we are because of the chemical composition in our bodies. but i'm not saying i am like this becuase of my parents.

oh well. i'll collect more of these conversations so i can post them here. cheerio!

bathroom issue

what the hell is wrong with girls like us using comfort rooms that are and should be for us? i really can't think why some women are insecure and think we don't belong in that facility.

in a related incident, i was given a verbal warning by the HR of my company, they said someone reported that i had been using the female restroom. our dialogue went something like this:

HR: we have received a report that you have been using the female restroom... we know this is a delicate issue to discuss but we hope you understand (company's name)'s position in this matter.

ME: yes, i am aware of what you are saying, however, i also hope YOU understand my condition. i am transgendered and is transitioning. even though my papers indicate that i am MALE, that does not constitute my being female or not. i am living as a woman, that is why i use the comfort room for women. and even if my papers say male, it can still be otherwise, given my condition and situation. if you ask me to prove to you that i am female that would be against some rights at some level.

HR: yes, we know about your condition, however, technically speaking, we still have to follow company policies.

ME: i know it's a norm that if you are born male, you have to use the male restroom and if you are born female, the female restroom, but referring to policies, i just read here in the contract, and there is nothing saying that it is not allowed. i also don't know of any regulations forbidding such.

HR: just to be on the safe side, we are requesting you to use the male restroom.

ME: i thank you for the suggestion, but my using the male restroom defeats the whole purpose of my transition and my expression that i am a woman. i would prefer NOT to use any restrooms whatsoever.

HR: but of course we consider your health and we understand that you need to relieve yourself from time to time...

ME: then i would go out of the office and find a public restroom.

HR: but that would be inconvenient on your part.

ME: using the male restroom is inconvenient for me. i know it is inconvenient for male users as well, and personally, i don't feel comfortable using the male restroom because i might get affronted.

HR: we understand that, as for the users, we can let it be known that you are still considered as male

ME: excuse me? i prefer that you do not. i just told you that i am in the process of transitioning, and that means i am working on changing my gender and sex on my papers.

HR: if you can provide any proof or documentations saying such, we may consider on giving you special privileges.

ME: then we'll have to see. i again thank you for the suggestion and concern for my health, but again i would be stressing that i will not use the male restroom.


*~
what gets me is that i make it a point that when i use the female restroom, no one is inside and no one sees me. if there is someone in one of the stalls, i quickly get inside and wait for her to finish and get out after her. i feel someone other than other agents, female agents to be exact reported me.

i have been a victim of harassment from a guard in the building. the first incident was when i was about to enter the production floor, he scanned me using the scanner and then asked me what i was holding in my hand (i was trying to get my phone inside, it was hidden inside my pashmina shawl) but what was shocking was he referred to me as 'SIR'! i asked him to repeat his question and he did and i told him that i was not a 'sir' and that i was a 'ma'am' and i was holding tissue and my shawl. he then asked loud enough for the other people to hear, 'ma'am ka?' i shouted yes and stormed off. my supervisor was kind enough to reprimand the guard because i felt discriminated and harassed.

i thought he would learn his lesson but another time when i just got to the office, he inspected my bag and before he did so he asked me, 'pacheck ng bag, sir.' so i asked him, AGAIN, 'ano po yun?', to which he answered, 'pacheck ng bag.'

i swear, the third time he harasses and discriminates me and insults me, i will report him and bring it to whoever so he will be removed from our floor. i also feel it was him that reported me because before i was given the verbal warning, he saw me get out of the female restroom.

this is my dilemma now: it seems the hr is not sensitive to my situation, we also don't have an hr director as of the moment. my supervisor, who is very open-minded and supportive, gave me options: one, use the restroom at the first flloor, i just have to tell him so i can get a five minute break; two, use the female restroom and if someone reports me again, he will help me with the consequence. he also offered to talk with the site manager about it, however, since we have a chain of command, we have to go through with the operations manager, and that person is not that reliable. he said as well if i can provide any documentation saying why i need to use the female restroom or anything about my condition, he will back me up.

so, transpinays, some may think this is just a small insignificant thing, but as we discussed time and again, why not start small, right? i now need your help. please give me suggestions on what i can do so i can get my issue with the restroom resolved. as for the guard, i am waiting for one more incident just to give him the benefit of the doubt, but one more slip and i will report him.

waiting and hoping,




*~this was my post in our yahoogroup. i unfortunately experienced discrimination from ignorant people in my office. i have talked about this with pau and dee about this and i am prepared to fight, however, recent domestic changes forced me to put this on hold. once i get back, or if i get back, i'll forward this to the appropriate people so that my voice can be heard and that girls that will follow my footsteps will not be afraid to stand up. stand up!

TRANSPINAY

“Words,” as George Bernard Shaw said, “are only postage stamps delivering the object for you to unwrap.” There are words that lead us to better understand a concept, a phenomenon, an experience, a person. Some promote either clarity or confusion. Others have offensive connotations; their negligent use unwittingly supports disrespect or disregard of someone’s deep-seated truths…

The Society of Transsexual Women of the Philippines (STRAP) is standing up not with pride but with courage to name an identity for ourselves. An identity that closely, if not fully and ultimately, describes the unique expression of human diversity our lives embody. An identity that rings politeness. An identity that would initiate an enlightening public conversation and awareness about our realities. An identity that we hope can forge a sense of community among Filipinas who were assigned as male at birth. An identity with dignity. This identity is TRANSPINAY.

A combination of the words transsexual and Pinay, TRANSPINAY means a female human being of Philippine descent who was given a male sex assignment at birth. This was proposed during one of our support group meetings and was voted upon by our membership. Other proposed terms were transbabae and transfilipina.

As compared to local terms such as bakla and bayot, transpinay doesn’t include homosexual males. Transpinay isn’t about sexual orientation nor preference. A transpinay can be sexually/romantically attracted to other females (in that she is a lesbian), to males (in that she is straight), to both males and females (in that she is a bisexual), or to none at all (in that she is asexual).

As compared to the nascent term ladyboy, transpinay doesn’t maliciously or unwittingly call a girl/woman of transsexual experience a “boy/man”. Calling a transpinay a ladyboy is no different from simply calling her a “boy/man”, an offensive act.

A transpinay is not a homosexual/gay man nor a boy/man who is ladylike. A transpinay is not a crossdresser - she is not a boy/man who just likes to dress. A transpinay is not a variation of male but a variation of female. A transpinay may be pre-op (have not yet have sex reassignment surgery but desires to undergo it), post-op (have already had sex reassignment surgery), or non-op (does not desire to have sex reassignment surgery). All the same, no matter what their genital surgery status is, they are all females. A transpinay is not a boy/man wanting to be a “real” girl/woman - she is already one.

We acknowledge that TRANSPINAY, just like any other word, cannot adequately stand-in for what we actually are. Nonetheless, TRANSPINAY symbolizes our right to define our gender identity: A movement to reclaim that right from other cultural forces.

Our deepest gratitude,
The Society of Transsexual Women of the Philippines (STRAP)


*~obviously, this is a repost. i felt this blog should have this, its owner being a part of what sass aptly describes as the experience. i am a transpinay and proud of it.

to have srs or not

while waiting for my brother-in-law to buy toyo, or soy sauce for you elitists, i thought i'll just write something. and here it is.

incidentally, i just discovered i CAN cook adobo. yipee! accidentally at least. haha.

and so, the recent STRAP sgm was held in puerto galera. i, since i had to fly here to singapore and be my ate's unpaid DH, missed the summer getaway. fortunately, dee and pau posted their pics and boy was i ENVIOUS. while i was viewing the pics, my ate glanced upon it and asked if she can see the other STRAP girls. so, without any hesitation, i showed her the pictures on facebook. she had been asking about our advocacy, about the members and whatnot. whatnot is my word for the day. har har. anyways, going back to my ate, she honestly thought the five girls (dee,rica,pau,joy, and of course the lovable sass )looked genuinely beautiful. of course, like the unenlightened masses, she kept on asking who had SRS already, or who had boyfriends or husbands, etc. i answered her with a smile. of course i couldn't just divulge certain information. but i explained that not all members opt for an SRS.

and so, she then asked me, did i have any plans on undergoing SRS. SRS by and by, is sexual reassignment surgery for you unenlightened people. i have explained this lightly to a friend i suspect is a transgendered boy. my friend has asked to have what i will have cut out, to which i told my friend that i will not have it cut out, instead, crudely, it will be turned inside out.

but going back, i told my ate, as of right now, SRS is not in my plans but i am open to it. for me, it's more when you're in a relationship and your partner should require it. though there are times i wished i had the apparatus, i, knowing i would go on one night stands and all, haha. but that's me. i think i'm perfectly happy with how i am, though i will have my tracheal shave and perhaps implants here and there but that' in the future. as my friend says, i will never have 300 kiyaw. but who knows? i might, some day.

i might have SRS, or not. that depends. i'll cross the bridge when i get there.

my brother-in-law still hasn't arrived. tsk.

whoa

wow! i've totally forgotten about this blog. i'm just lazy. and i haven't gotten any ideas on what to write about. can i use this as a personal blog instead? i will still tackle trans-related issues, being a tg myself. anyhoo, i guess with all the time on my hands, i will be able to write about anything under the sun.

kudos to bb gandanghari for standing up! we finally have a filipino tg celebrity. hurrah hurrah!

and thanks so much to sass for including me on the transpinay rising vid. for your enlightenment, check the link below:




be seeing yah later!