and the blog was redesigned...

fancy my new logo? alas, since tg-girl had nothing to do, she designed a new logo. now if only she can think of a nice banner... something superhero-ey. hmm...

no posts yet, tg-girl is in the designing phase...

of lesbians and transboys

this is an article for a very good friend of mine. here's to you miles.

one thing i have noticed here in singapore is there seems to be more lesbians or transboys than gay men or transgirls. i have seen a handful of gay men, about two transgirls, and everyday one or two lesbians and what i suppose are transboys.

i did not mean this article to be GG with pau's recent post; i have just let this article fester and rot in my innards. gross. pau's post is about transboys. i also commented on that post. thanks btw pau for my very first comment. in it i mentioned that i feel there are cases of transboys in the philippines, they are just not aware they are of the experience, for in our socially inept and backward culture, there is no such thing as being transgendered. these girls, err boys, are brought up believing they are innately female, they just happened to like girls, which, they think makes them lesbians. they can be lesbians of course, if their gender identity is female, which would mean they identify as girls and yet prefer girls as well. but this is my argument, how come these supposed lesbians bind their breasts, cut really short and style their hair, walk as if they had suspended witnesses between their legs, wear baggy and one size bigger clothes... the lists goes on, but whether subconsciously or not, they ultimately do these things for one thing: to look male. or not female. why do they try so hard to hide if not erase any visible sign they are female? isn't being a lesbian about being a woman that likes women?

i feel i can relate to what these supposed lesbians are experiencing. however, in my part, i live as a woman, ergo the choices i make, to look, act, sound, and be a woman. that is what i am. i have embraced that. so why can't they?

my friend miles is a bit ambiguous about her/his gender identity. of course, i can't force my beliefs to her/him, however, what she/he sometimes tells me confuses me. for example, we once had a conversation about SRS's, i had enlightened her/him about the procedure, because she/he was actually asking me that once i have it cut off, give it to her/him. so i explained the procedure as i understood it. she/he was of course grossed out, and yet, enlightened. so i joked about her/him being transgendered like me. why want a penis if you identify as a woman, right? she/he said she didn't know. miles doesn't even wear a bra most of the time. i never really thought of her/him as boobsie, because at the back of my mind, she/he is a boy. i seriously believe miles maybe a transboy.

i have another colleague that identifies herself/himself as a lesbian. and yet, she/he herself said she/he never really thought of herself/himself as a girl. she/he then contradicts this by saying she didn't want to be a boy. weird. she/he then describes her/his childhood, giving an ancedote that when she/he was little, her/his father joked about giving her/him a horse's penis so that she/he would truly be a boy. and she/he wanted this at her/his young age, for she/he thought, she/he wanted something her/him brothers had. her/his demeanor is also like a man's. the way she/he takes charge, her/his likes and dislikes.

i wish there was a way these supposed lesbians would know they are actually of the experience. they might be happy just being the way they are, but i still want them to realize what's what, so that they would know how it feels like. i wish transboys had a STRAP of their own.

one more thing i wanted to say about lesbians and transboys is that, it is very cruel and unfair that they can find people that will love them for them, and girls like me, even some gay men, cannot and do not. and don't get me started on their acceptance by the general public. i just envy lesbians and transboys, for girls they woo and court willingly accept them. i am jealous of the love they share. i am also happy, that there is love like that in the world. i can't say it gives me hope, but at least there are less people that are unhappy, for they have found what we, mortals and the like, truly need and die for, LOVE.

love. i hope one day i would find what i am looking for.

of being used

i was supposed to write this last night, after the one about bestfriends, but well, writing takes emotional energy from me. i dunno. anyways, well, here it goes...

as you well know by now, i read sex stories from some website, and some if not most of them featured straight men who did sexual favors for, what else, money.

and so we are introduced to another facet of being gay(and in some twisted association, trans) in the philippines. there is a culture of filipino gay men acting as financiers, sugar daddies, pseudo-lovers, and whatnot to straight, attractive and yes, desperate or otherwise men. i might be generalizing it but these straight men almost all the time take advantage of the gay man's affection and generosity, and in exchange either offers sexual favors or the promise of love. love. and the gay man offers and gives everything to the straight guy up to the point of being pathetic. usually, it starts with the gay man offering the money to the straight guy, whether the straight guy initiates the conversation or not, then eventually, they form a sort of understanding that in exchange for sex, companionship, pseudo-relationships or whatnot, wherein the gay man gives the straight guy an allowance, or just gives money everytime the straight guy either mentions he needs the money but doesn't want to impose or ask so that he won't get tagged as just using the gay man for money, or in some rare instances, just asks or even demands the money. this is an exhausting cycle.

as i have discussed in my previous entries, being trans in the filipino setting is almost if not totally the same as being gay. and yes, i am actually writing from experience. i have unfortunately become part of these pseudo-relationships time and again. why? simply because i like, no love the feeling it gives me, to be needed. and yes, i know the guy i'm in a pseudo-relationship with does not really like me, nor love me for that matter, i believe he also does not think of me as a girl. and yet, i still give in to his demands.

my rationale is like this: i have entered these pseudo-relationships for the purposes of

1.) companionship
2.) the feeling of being needed
3.) the thrill and excitement of courtship
4.) to feel what it would be like to be in a relationship, even if it's all make believe.

the reason why i consciously want and agree to be used is because i want to be needed. it felt great that someone i thought i loved but was actually infatuated with needed me. most of the time, that feeling was just all i need. it felt like a drug to me.

and i guess most people would never understand that. like, i have this friend, a former friend actually, who is gay and claims he has undergone what he thinks i am just experiencing at the time, acting as though he knows me better than i know myself, ugh, who i think thinks less of me for consciously agreeing to be used. he told me that he wishes that i meet someone that i won't have to pay to like me, because even if he truly cannot understand, comprehend and grasp the idea of being transgendered, he thought that if i were really a girl, guys won't use me for money and take advantage of my vulnerability. what gets me the most about this ex-friend of mine is that, well aside from the fact he is pretending and believing he is straight-acting, he thinks he knows me enough and he pities me. at least i know i'm not kidding myself, and i am aware of what i'm doing. he even boasts about a trans friend of his that has a boyfriend that treats 'her' like a real girl, but mind you, his trans friend does not identify as a woman, 'she' actually calls 'herself' as gay, not in the sexual orientation sense but the supposed gender role. notice how i refer to this person as 'her' and 'she', i consider her as female despite herself calling bakla.

i believe i have actually reached a stage in my maturity that whenever i am in a pseudo-relationship, i can distance myself so i won't get hurt but i usually do in the long run, and that i am constantly aware that this is not real. i actually think of it as some sort of business transaction. or, in my own perverted way of thinking, helping out the person by giving him money. but even though i see myself as mature, i still delude myself into believing that if i help him enough, if i give everything, in the end, he'll love me. i believe no one is prone to that. i have read somewhere that gay men do this because most of the time, the straight guy ends up loving them because of their genuine kindness and generosity.

you'd think, after a few pseudo-relationships, i'd learn my lesson. and it doesn't help that my friends think less of me for being in one. it's sad that the general conclusion people make when a straight guy is in some form of understanding with a gay man or in my case a trans is that he is just using the person. i now ask this, why can't a straight guy fall for a gay man or a trans just for the sake of falling in love and not for money?

and so, we all have our reasons why we sometimes act foolish. so before you judge a person, think first why a person does that.

of bestfriends

and so, i set my mind that before i sleep, i will watch antique, again, the one i just wrote about some moments ago. and yet, here i am writing again. for that is how it is with people that muses visit. one must create when the time is right.

as in my previous post, i do not only look for gay films, i have also frequented a website that has a collection of gay stories, with almost all about the many but similar intimate experiences of gay men. i usually choose the stories wherein the narrator was lucky to get a person he is attracted to, somehow, it gives me hope that there are people out there that are open to such intimate experiences such as that, despite the fact that the stories maybe just fiction. there are also some stories that tell of how some men are inclined to enter these intimacies due to desperation.

i am not a stranger to these kind of stories. however, it wasn't this kind of story that inspired me to write. it was the type of stories wherein bestfriends develop feelings for each other, or the straight friend falls for the gay friend that initially loves the straight one and they end up with each other.

i have noticed that with some independent films, even though the straight character develops such feelings for his gay friend, they still do not end up with each other, it's like, a rule that gay men should never be essentially happy, and that a man is made only for a woman, that is why in the end, the straight guy ends up with a girl and he parts ways with his gay friend. i have seen this from sikil, ang lalaki sa parola and kambyo. i remember the first independent film i saw, ang pagdadalaga ni maximo oliveros, and how i felt that i was seeing my life, or what my life should have been; i saw myself in maxi. i had also hoped that he and kuya victor would somehow end up with each other, but as most tragic gay characters, maxi walks away, without even a glance at his beloved.

so the question is, how come gay men end up so lonely in the end with these films? how come in some stories about bestfriends, they end up happy?

again i allude to gay men's experiences because even though i am a woman, sadly, in the filipino setting, my experiences mirror what gay men experienced. i share the experiences with gay men when i was still young. the reason for this is because in our setting and culture, we do not automatically realize that we are transgendered or are transsexuals. we know we are different. almost all of my friends have felt and experienced relating to a gay man early in life. maybe the reason why some if not most filipinos cannot fully grasp the idea of being transgendered and transsexual is because we do not have a complete idea of the gender role of gay men. we hear about the parlorista type of gay man, the effeminate and flamboyant cross-dresser. we hear about gay men that grow their hair long and pluck their eye brows and use mountains of foundation. we hear about gay men that say they feel like women and yet have big burly muscles. and these are some of the stereotyped filipino gay men. perhaps, these gay men themselves are not aware they might be transgendered. and since they themselves identify as gay men, the larger society transmutes this self-identity to trans-girls like myself. they automatically equate me to other gay men, despite the fact that i introduced myself as a woman, behave as a woman, speak like a woman, and well, just be a woman to them.

and so, going back to my question, how come the protagonist, whether he be a gay man or a transgendered woman in the making, end up lonely? of course, one would argue that if one truly loves a person, one would set the person free, or for people that need to put these romantic, unrequited lovers down, magpaparaya because the person these lovers devote their lives to were never theirs in the first place. why is a filipino gay man/transwoman's story always have this ending? are we not allowed our happy ending with our prince charming?

but of course, not all stories end up as tragedies. there are those that tell of a trans-girl meeting the man of her dreams, he might be from another country, a different generation, or speaks in a different tongue, or he might be the trans-girl's bestfriend that realized that he actually loved his bestfriend, and takes her for what and what she may not be. and these stories give me hope, hope that i too someday would end up with a happy ending of my own. that i would meet a person that i am attracted to, and he would take me as i am and see me as what i am truly am, a girl.

incidentally, i too had a bestfriend of my own. i have tried time and again to reach him, sometimes i have been successful, other times not, and even though i know he did feel something for me, just like in those stories, sadly, we did not have that happy ending. but i am still hoping. maybe never in this lifetime, so see you in the next, dave.

of getting korean fever and being horny

while perusing sites for any free streaming gay movies, i chanced upon a poster,



and lo and behold, it's joo ji hoon! this guy down here



the person i loved in goong. but enough about that. so i googled, well actually i yahooed it, the movie i mean, which is to say antique, and i confirmed that it was joo ji hoon as one of the main characters.

antique, the movie title, is a film adaptation of a yaoi-ish manga, but to better give you an idea, here is the synopsis/plot:

"As an heir to the family fortune, Jin-hyuk has money, the looks, the charm, everything except finding the love of his life. So he sets up a cake shop where women are sure to come. He hires Sun-woo, a talented patissier who had a crush on Jin-hyuk back in high school. Along with an ex-boxing champion Gi-beom and a clueless bodyguard Su-young, the four unique and handsome young men stir up the quiet neighborhood at their cake shop, Antique. Although seemingly careless and happy, each of the four men have unforgettable past that they are afraid to face, but their secrets slowly begin to unravel."

this is not a review btw. this is just my post on the movie i saw. lol.

anyhoo, i so loved the movie. well, maybe not that much, but hey, it's a picker-upper. i super loved kim jae wook as sunwoo. he was perfect for the part. i know he's gay and all in the movie, but he does exude the gayness. haha. and i have a crush on yu ah-in, he's so cute. but of course, my heart still belongs to ji hoon. he's so different in this movie.

now, at the beginning of my post, i mentioned i was perusing websites for gay films. why gay films, you may ask, well, one, gay films somewhat depict or mirror issues transpeople face, i can certainly relate to some situations even if the main character is a gay man. i guess this is because the gender role of a gay man is somewhat unclear in the filipino setting. for me, it's a bit of a blur, actually. like with a gay friend of mine, i have asked him if he thinks he might be trans, but he says he thinks of himself as a boy, and yet, he was so giddy when people told him he looked like a girl. so i thought to myself, he might not be a transsexual but he might be transgendered. anyway, whatever. going back, i looked for gay films i could watch so that i can see a part of my soul in one or two of the characters. oh, i think i had another point. yeah, two, i was horny. haha. or as rachel said, erotically charged. so i like seeing two men kiss to get me going. am i a pervert now senator revilla? mein gott.

and so, i shall be watching antique again as i lay before my slumber. just a thought, how come nobody made an independent film featuring a trans character yet? i know there's the racquela film, but that's more of a documentary. maybe i should lobby the idea. oh well.

is he straight?

don't you just get tired of people asking you stupid questions? i mean, of course they don't know they're asking a stupid insensitive question, but hey, what can we do about it? they don't know about the experience. and here i go explaining to them what's what. what exactly am i ranting about? here...

you see, no, you don't see, because i have not wrote about it so you wouldn't know, but anyways, i am for the lack of a better term, seeing someone. and bite your tongue if you're going to ask, is he straight?

OF COURSE HE IS. i don't get it. i have had a couple, no, a few people ask me this after i tell them about him. as far as i can remember, i never saw anything in him that would tell me he's gay. and besides, i don't go for gay guys, i have had a crush on one or three, but i know how to pick them, and the person i'm seeing, i know is straight.

i feel, these people, my friends, my good friends, don't know how much that question means if you ask a person with my experience. i actually felt insulted. it's like, you acknowledge that i'm a girl, you accept my idealogy and think of me as a girl, and yet, when a guy likes me, you still think of me as a boy and feel that the person who likes me is gay, because he is attracted to me. that's just wrong.

like how i discussed this with a very good friend of mine, who, by whatever reason unknown to me, took up nursing, so she should have had a better understanding about the experience, but well, i was a bit disappointed. basically, what i told her was, well, it's a bit complicated, but simple in a way as well.

we are dealing with preference and sexual orientation here. being gay is more of one's sexual orientation, about one's preference in mates. in my explanation to her, a guy, a girl, a trans-girl or a trans-boy can be gay, in the sense that they like a person of the same sexual orientation or preference as they have. a girl is gay if she is into and is attracted to another girl, a trans-girl is also gay in this line of thought if she is into or is attracted to another girl or trans-girl. a guy is gay if he likes another guy, a trans-boy can be gay if he likes another boy or a trans-boy as well. so anybody can be gay, as long as they are attracted to a person who shares the same sexual orientation as they have. but in light of argument, how can a gay person be attracted to a straight person? or a girl be attracted to a gay guy?

now it has something to do with how a person identifies. a girl, a straight girl can be attracted to a gay guy because said gay guy though has a preference for guys, because despite this preference, he still identifies as male, and since he identifies as male, the girl can be attracted to him. this is also why a gay guy's crush for a straight guy would be deemed ok, because the straight guy is still a guy, which the gay guy likes.

so, given these explanations, why would a gay guy be attracted to a trans-girl? i'm not saying that's impossible. let me rephrase my question, why would a guy be not straight if he's attracted to a trans-girl? using my explanation, it would be perfectly normal if a straight guy would be attracted to a trans-girl, because even if both were assigned male at birth, one is a boy and the other is a girl. as i have proven, this question was asked because my friends still considered me as a boy, and with how they think, that if a boy likes another boy, whether the boy is actually trans-girl or not, the boy would be gay. and that's a bit hurtful.

i personally think that a straight guy can be attracted to a trans-girl without him needing or becoming gay. i am a girl, so a guy can be attracted to me. i really don't get why i have to get this question. maybe because it is hard to understand such concepts. and that is why we are here. and by we, i mean girls who have the experience. we are here to educate and enlighten people. we can get mad and offended, but remember, they do not know. that's why we have to tell them. explain to them. teach them.

my friend and i ended our conversation with her apologising. and of course, i accepted it. and i am pleased that i was able to explain to her.

but what about the possibility that a gay guy does get attracted to a trans-girl? i told her, then that gay guy must be bisexual. or confused.

and as i realized from our conversation as i am finding out now, no matter how hard i explain, it just boils down to who we are at the end of the day. or how we identify at the end of the day.

so, the guy who likes me isn't gay. he's straight. he is.