of lesbians and transboys

this is an article for a very good friend of mine. here's to you miles.

one thing i have noticed here in singapore is there seems to be more lesbians or transboys than gay men or transgirls. i have seen a handful of gay men, about two transgirls, and everyday one or two lesbians and what i suppose are transboys.

i did not mean this article to be GG with pau's recent post; i have just let this article fester and rot in my innards. gross. pau's post is about transboys. i also commented on that post. thanks btw pau for my very first comment. in it i mentioned that i feel there are cases of transboys in the philippines, they are just not aware they are of the experience, for in our socially inept and backward culture, there is no such thing as being transgendered. these girls, err boys, are brought up believing they are innately female, they just happened to like girls, which, they think makes them lesbians. they can be lesbians of course, if their gender identity is female, which would mean they identify as girls and yet prefer girls as well. but this is my argument, how come these supposed lesbians bind their breasts, cut really short and style their hair, walk as if they had suspended witnesses between their legs, wear baggy and one size bigger clothes... the lists goes on, but whether subconsciously or not, they ultimately do these things for one thing: to look male. or not female. why do they try so hard to hide if not erase any visible sign they are female? isn't being a lesbian about being a woman that likes women?

i feel i can relate to what these supposed lesbians are experiencing. however, in my part, i live as a woman, ergo the choices i make, to look, act, sound, and be a woman. that is what i am. i have embraced that. so why can't they?

my friend miles is a bit ambiguous about her/his gender identity. of course, i can't force my beliefs to her/him, however, what she/he sometimes tells me confuses me. for example, we once had a conversation about SRS's, i had enlightened her/him about the procedure, because she/he was actually asking me that once i have it cut off, give it to her/him. so i explained the procedure as i understood it. she/he was of course grossed out, and yet, enlightened. so i joked about her/him being transgendered like me. why want a penis if you identify as a woman, right? she/he said she didn't know. miles doesn't even wear a bra most of the time. i never really thought of her/him as boobsie, because at the back of my mind, she/he is a boy. i seriously believe miles maybe a transboy.

i have another colleague that identifies herself/himself as a lesbian. and yet, she/he herself said she/he never really thought of herself/himself as a girl. she/he then contradicts this by saying she didn't want to be a boy. weird. she/he then describes her/his childhood, giving an ancedote that when she/he was little, her/his father joked about giving her/him a horse's penis so that she/he would truly be a boy. and she/he wanted this at her/his young age, for she/he thought, she/he wanted something her/him brothers had. her/his demeanor is also like a man's. the way she/he takes charge, her/his likes and dislikes.

i wish there was a way these supposed lesbians would know they are actually of the experience. they might be happy just being the way they are, but i still want them to realize what's what, so that they would know how it feels like. i wish transboys had a STRAP of their own.

one more thing i wanted to say about lesbians and transboys is that, it is very cruel and unfair that they can find people that will love them for them, and girls like me, even some gay men, cannot and do not. and don't get me started on their acceptance by the general public. i just envy lesbians and transboys, for girls they woo and court willingly accept them. i am jealous of the love they share. i am also happy, that there is love like that in the world. i can't say it gives me hope, but at least there are less people that are unhappy, for they have found what we, mortals and the like, truly need and die for, LOVE.

love. i hope one day i would find what i am looking for.