of rationalizing and keeping my sanity intact

i get it.

we can never be.

it wasn't just meant to be.

whaugh, now i'm rhyming?

i dunno, i just can't delude myelf anymore, though i know after a few days, or even a few hours, i'll be back wishing and hoping.

i just need to rationalize my feelings and my expectations.

one, you were just terribly nice to me and possibly indebted because of my volunteering in doing most of your schoolwork in highschool. you did not have feelings for me. even if you always asked for my permission when you were going to play counterstrike after class and when you call me almost everyday to just talk. you did not have feelings for me then.

you also did not have feelings for me when you wanted me to attend the same college with you because you don't want to be with me then.

you also did not have feelings for me when we almost kissed each other that night out with liza when it was her birthday.

nor did you have feelings for me then when you brought me home from katrina's debut, or when we still talked on the phone when you got home.

you did not have feelings for me as well when i was mysteriously deleted and then added and then deleted again from your friendster account. you also did not feel anything for me in such a way that your girlfriend then won't be jealous of me and her picking a fight was not out of jealousy.

likewise, you still do not have feelings for me when you kept on looking for me in that reunion of sorts we had at my house. you just wanted to finally see for yourself how i had looked. and you did not have feelings for me when you avoided addressing my being a woman and just complemented my height. you also did not have feelings for me when you kept on looking at me and my legs when you were about to leave.

and you still don't have feelings for me even if i always talk to you and chat with you, and even when i get hurt by the things you have said.

and you will never have feelings for me, even if i always hope and wish, and even in my dreams it will remain.

i only dreamed that you have feelings for me.