Monday, March 8, 2010

a sad visit to the dreaming

if you read sandman or any of gaiman's work, you'd be hazarding a guess that i had a sad dream.

you would be right.

here' what i remember from that dream i had about two nights ago:

i was going on some trip to a castle, or a monument, or something, and i was with 3 people. one was dave, of course, i wouldn't be disturbed and depressed if it wasn't about him, and 2 more, which was a bit weird, i can't remember if it was my good friend kristine, katrina, liza, mikki, ana or roan, or an amalgamation of them into two girls... and so, on our trip, when i wasn't listening or was doing something that did not include my friends or dave, they talked about me. apparently, my friends had a hunch that dave may have some feelings for me, and my friends kept on questioning and pressuring him, but he was still cryptic about his answer. but my friends were able to conclude that he did has feelings for me. and being the defeatist pessimistic nihilist that i am, i refused to believe them. for one, i was aware that i was in a dream, and two, well, even if i know dave may and does have feelings for me, i still want to spare myself from the hurt if ever i find out that he does not actually have feelings for me. and when i woke up, i felt like someone tore out my heart and kept on pounding on it.

and as much as i hate admitting it, i may be over-analyzing my dream.

a dream is just a dream is just a dream, correct?

it' just a suppressed fantasy that my subconscious is playing. i don't know why my subconscious had to make me dream about him after all this time.

and so, it appears that the only way i can finally get this stupid 'what-if' is to just talk to him.

as simple as that.

just plain talk to him.

if only i could.

if only i could make my heart stop trembling.

if only i could prepare myself from rejection.

if only i could stop loving him.

by then i would have the courage to talk to him and ask him.

and now i'm hoping he does have feelings for me, so that we'll end up together, and he'll love me.

but that, won't be tragic.

my life needs to be tragic, you see?

sigh. now i think i've visited that realm full of mirrors and smoke.

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