He's just not into You

yup, this is about a movie. i even put it on my facebook status. my new favorite movie is this, and i realized, he's not just into me, he never was, it sucks but it's great.

it's great because i know i can deal with it.

well, i'm sure i can.

at least, i think i know, err, i can.

it's great because even though i stress about having dreams about him, smiling when i think of him, or how i've been hoping after all these years, the best thing about it is just that, i never lost hope.

so maybe this is how it feels like, moving on.

it's just peculiar that i realized this after watching a movie.

yeah.

of rationalizing and keeping my sanity intact

i get it.

we can never be.

it wasn't just meant to be.

whaugh, now i'm rhyming?

i dunno, i just can't delude myelf anymore, though i know after a few days, or even a few hours, i'll be back wishing and hoping.

i just need to rationalize my feelings and my expectations.

one, you were just terribly nice to me and possibly indebted because of my volunteering in doing most of your schoolwork in highschool. you did not have feelings for me. even if you always asked for my permission when you were going to play counterstrike after class and when you call me almost everyday to just talk. you did not have feelings for me then.

you also did not have feelings for me when you wanted me to attend the same college with you because you don't want to be with me then.

you also did not have feelings for me when we almost kissed each other that night out with liza when it was her birthday.

nor did you have feelings for me then when you brought me home from katrina's debut, or when we still talked on the phone when you got home.

you did not have feelings for me as well when i was mysteriously deleted and then added and then deleted again from your friendster account. you also did not feel anything for me in such a way that your girlfriend then won't be jealous of me and her picking a fight was not out of jealousy.

likewise, you still do not have feelings for me when you kept on looking for me in that reunion of sorts we had at my house. you just wanted to finally see for yourself how i had looked. and you did not have feelings for me when you avoided addressing my being a woman and just complemented my height. you also did not have feelings for me when you kept on looking at me and my legs when you were about to leave.

and you still don't have feelings for me even if i always talk to you and chat with you, and even when i get hurt by the things you have said.

and you will never have feelings for me, even if i always hope and wish, and even in my dreams it will remain.

i only dreamed that you have feelings for me.

a sad visit to the dreaming

if you read sandman or any of gaiman's work, you'd be hazarding a guess that i had a sad dream.

you would be right.

here' what i remember from that dream i had about two nights ago:

i was going on some trip to a castle, or a monument, or something, and i was with 3 people. one was dave, of course, i wouldn't be disturbed and depressed if it wasn't about him, and 2 more, which was a bit weird, i can't remember if it was my good friend kristine, katrina, liza, mikki, ana or roan, or an amalgamation of them into two girls... and so, on our trip, when i wasn't listening or was doing something that did not include my friends or dave, they talked about me. apparently, my friends had a hunch that dave may have some feelings for me, and my friends kept on questioning and pressuring him, but he was still cryptic about his answer. but my friends were able to conclude that he did has feelings for me. and being the defeatist pessimistic nihilist that i am, i refused to believe them. for one, i was aware that i was in a dream, and two, well, even if i know dave may and does have feelings for me, i still want to spare myself from the hurt if ever i find out that he does not actually have feelings for me. and when i woke up, i felt like someone tore out my heart and kept on pounding on it.

and as much as i hate admitting it, i may be over-analyzing my dream.

a dream is just a dream is just a dream, correct?

it' just a suppressed fantasy that my subconscious is playing. i don't know why my subconscious had to make me dream about him after all this time.

and so, it appears that the only way i can finally get this stupid 'what-if' is to just talk to him.

as simple as that.

just plain talk to him.

if only i could.

if only i could make my heart stop trembling.

if only i could prepare myself from rejection.

if only i could stop loving him.

by then i would have the courage to talk to him and ask him.

and now i'm hoping he does have feelings for me, so that we'll end up together, and he'll love me.

but that, won't be tragic.

my life needs to be tragic, you see?

sigh. now i think i've visited that realm full of mirrors and smoke.

that i would be good

"That I Would Be Good"

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

~ di ko na ipagpipilitan ang sarili ko sa mga taong hindi ako gusto. i'm seeting you free.

remembering friendster

as i was checking my email for some important messages, i accidentally clicked on show oldest messages, and lo and behold, this was what i saw:



imagine how my day went after that. sigh.

of missed opportunites and twisted possibilities

i had wanted to write this last night, or more accurately, this morning, when i was about to sleep. or, when i had wanted to sleep. first, the story...

last night was supposed to be an eventual night for me. it was my good friend roan's last event last night, and of course she invited me and guess who? he, he who i love dearly so, he who holds my heart of hearts. he confirmed that he would attend and even said, in his own words, he would only come because he wanted to see us. and being the deluded {other word for hopeful, i didn't want to use this word because it means so special to me, maybe dreamer, yes that would do.} dreamer i am, i believed that he meant me when he said us. a code, a way of saying he wanted to see me, that he will only attend to see me. oh how delusional.

but alas, roan contracted a virus that manifested red rashes on her face and body. needless to say, my eventual opportune moment never existed. i was devastated. i had hoped last night would have been THAT night, you know? i was sure something could have happened. but i can't blame anyone. i'm just unlucky. so, i comforted myself with his text messages. oh how sweet i am, you see, i'm happy with just his text messages.

now the clincher. i had thought he would not continue with the plan, but he did, and he shocked me too. during the wee hours, he texted roan and i with the same messages, that it was roan's fault for not coming. and here i went again, was he blaming roan because he was unable to see me? for if roan were there, i would be there for sure. but she wasn't, so had i. again, i was happy he texted me.

but then, an evil thought bore through my mind: what if, he liked her? was he blaming her for not coming because he wanted to see her? he even texted her this morning apologising for his behavior last night and ASKED her out again tonight.


and just like that, my world crumbled, and no one seemed to care.


it is of course possible that he may like her. of course it is. but why her?


this is what gets me the most... why her? i surely am far more beautiful, and thinner. but we are forgetting the most crucial difference between her and me: she was born a girl, and i, a boy. and that's all that matters in this country.

and now i am defeated.

oh loneliness... oh hopelessness...


i will end this note with two sentiments:

if i had only been born a girl, he would have chosen me, loved me.

but as my hopeful heart of hearts beats, if not this lifetime, then the next, and the next. i will search for you, and hope that in that next, it would be i you choose and love.

the epiphany

An epiphany (from Ancient Greek ἐπιφάνεια Epiphaneia, “manifestation, striking appearance”) is the sudden realization or comprehension of the (larger) essence or meaning of something. The term is used in either a philosophical or literal sense to signify that the claimant has "found the last piece of the puzzle and now sees the whole picture," or has new information or experience, often insignificant by itself, that illuminates a deeper or numinous foundational frame of reference.

that, is the definition from wikipedia of the eponymous word for this post i am writing. i, gia alessandra, indeed has had an epiphany. i have suddenly realized and now found the last piece of the puzzle that is my life. it is funny, that the missing piece was always that one i always knew.

and so, this is my epiphany. it's him. he is the one i've been waiting for all these years, he is the reason i exist. i feel, not to be pessimistic, but more so ideal, i can no longer love anyone else. i may meet someone else, but in my heart of hearts, i know it's just him. my heart beats only for him. he is the person i want to live the rest of my life with. he is my destiny.

and no, i am not just being carried away with what my friends say. i've been constantly having these dreams, and when i am sleepless, only his face shows up in my mind. and no, i am not obsessed. i am only realizing how much i loved him, how much i still do, and how much he is the one for me.

now, the hard part is for him to realize now that i'm the one for him. am i ready to wait for another ten years, for it took me that long to realize this? maybe. i feel, he is the mate my soul has been looking for all this millennia. if not in this lifetime, then i will go back and live another life, if only to search for him again and again. it's him. i'm sure. i've never been this sure.

i am happy, that i have finally realized this, i feel a sense of contentment, that i know who or what i need to be complete, and afraid at the same time, for he may not know it yet, or if for him, i am not the one he is looking for. but it is ok. what's important is i love him, and that's what matters.

i love you. i have always did. i still do. and i will, forever.

what now?

in a singular relapse of my often brilliant judgment, i added him up on my facebook account, because i was getting tired of being openly mocked by that cruel online networking site, showing me his picture and his name on my account... i added him thinking, what the hell? it's not like he'll add me right? i mean, he ignored my messages. wouldn't that mean he doesn't want to be friends? i even posted a status message saying



and then i ate dinner, when i got back, there was this ominous red number one sign on the bottom right hand portion of the screen, and i had the feeling it wasn't good news.


and lo and behold it said the words i never imagined i'd see.

i mean, i didn't expect he'd add me. for a few seconds i felt my heart stop beating. my gut reaction? push the print screen button.

so what now? does that mean he wants to be friends? because there will come a time that i'll be online and so will he. what now?

of course, being the overly dramatic thespian wannabe i am, i will blow this up to legendary proportions.

he just added me, that's all. it doesn't have to mean anything.

at least, that's what i'm hoping for, isn't it?

isn't it?

my letter to him

hello again. i've been thinking a lot about you for the past few days. i had been deciding if i should add you or not, on facebook, pero you not answering my last message and well, what happened before makes me decide not to. so why am i writing you again? hindi ko din alam dave, i guess, i wanted to know how you're doing now. and well, i have unresolved questions in my mind. siguro, i'm just imagining things, and i'm just basing what i am thinking on how i knew you back then, siguro nagbago ka na, pero we were bestfriends before right? hindi ko lang alam kung bakit super wala na tayo contact sa isa't-isa, e sa lahat naman ng naging friend ko hanggang ngayon we still catch up. i know i did try contacting you again. i even tried telling you about me, pero it seems you weren't comfortable with it. i don't know. well, most people now know my condition, being transgendered. like i told you, i have this feeling na galit ka sakin for something, and i wish i knew. and well, i am hoping we could be friends again. regarding the reunion, i hope you'll attend. i maybe paranoid pero sana if ever you won't, it won't be because of me. so yun, hope to see you, pero if not, take care always.


*~ here's to moving on.

what might have been, what could have been

i can't stop writing about it. i just closed down my facebook account, so i couldn't express my current mood and thought of the moment. so here i am.

i was just asking myself, why am i punishing and torturing myself by looking at his pictures, his pictures that i foolishly asked a friend to get from his account, seeing that i am so cowardly that i won't add him up.

i don't even know why i am deluding myself into hoping he might have feelings for me. never expect. he's straight. but i'm a girl. but we know he'll never like us for us. why am i hoping that after all these years, he would have forgiven me for what ever i had done, he would be still thinking about me.

maybe i'm just fooling myself. i mean, obviously, he would have a girlfriend. or i could believe that gossip that he's gay. so whichever way, he still won't be into me.

and viva said she'd be deleting dave. if it were only that easy.


i know i have to move on, i just can't.


and i don't want to.

of the typical reaction of a guy when he discovers his bestfriend has a crush on him

i forgot to mention, and rather than edit my previous post, i'll just add it here, for i feel my last one was perfect. i have this idea that he is somewhat angry at me. for no reason? well, i have a theory. by and by, the title for this post refers to guy's best friends who turn out gay, or in my case, trans. going back to my theory, i believe he had feelings for me, of course i made my speculations on what he showed me when we saw each other again, i mean, we almost kissed. so, with that thought, the reason why he is so angry and even saying on his friendster account that he hates gays, is because he was afraid of what he felt for me, myself being what he considered as male and gay. oh boy you had it oh so wrong. despite our history, my gender is not dictated by the sex i was assigned at birth. even if you knew me as your best friend all those years ago, i am a different person in the sense that i am not the person you once knew. i am a woman, dave. if you have feelings for me, you aren't gay. it just so happened i was born and assigned male at birth, but my gender says otherwise. but you, you i love dearly so, you i have been thinking about for ten years, are just like most people. most guys at that. there is a notion that once a guy discovers his then unknown as gay/trans best friend's affection for him, either flees and dissolves the friendship for fear of reciprocating said feelings and be outed as gay or if there should be any, accept the person as he is, and end up together.

this, i have yet to see. i have read about this scenario oh so many times. best friend develops feelings for his guy friend. guy friend seems to care for his best friend genuinely. best friend admits feelings. guy friend may disappear for some time. guy friend and best friend meet each other again, and guy friend finally admits HIS feelings for best friend. and they end up happily ever after.

such a load of horse crap.

and yet, i hold such a dream in my heart of hearts. i dream, that some day, he will realize that it was i all along, i who loves him the most, i who was always there, waiting, my heart beating only for him. that i will be the one he takes out for dinner, takes to the beach, takes into his arms. oh such a dream that is.

if only i have the courage to talk to him, to tell him of this, to show him he can love me, without fear of being ridiculed by anyone. to show him, i have always been here, waiting, and loving him.

and maybe, just maybe, i will have that happy ending of my own.


he was my first, and i wanted him to be my last.

of first loves and bestfriends

i have been attempting to write this for 3 days now, and i only found courage to finally do it now. i have been repeating what i will write over and over again in my mind, making sure i put into words each emotion i felt. and here it goes...

like most people, well, normal people, i too had a best friend. actually, i had lots of best friends. in every stage of my life i attach myself to a certain person and impart a piece of my soul on said person so whenever i see him or her again, i will see a reflection of myself. but this one, this one person i am singling out, was not only my best friend, he was my first love.

how does one tell who one's first love is? i have had people i thought were my first love. one i definitely know was just puppy love, i mean, i was just ten years old. and i didn't know who i am at that time. then i had passing infatuations, one or two. and come high school. i know i was still immature at that age but when i was starting to discover who i truly am, i also discovered i was in love with him.

at that time, of course, one would say it was not love. infatuation maybe. and besides, we were best friends. he was always a classmate, we weren't that close in our early years but we often get seated next to each other, having the same letter for the beginning of our last names. i remember being friends with him, but i wouldn't think he was someone special.

and then we got close. it just happened. he was this one guy who was always too sleepy, lazy, or just plain uninterested. and he was the first one to make me feel special. for he needed me. i became his friend, tutor, and whatever you can think of. my friends used to tease me about our special friendship, they said it were as if we were in a relationship. but we weren't. we were just best of friends. and believe it or not, i didn't know i was falling for him. i just felt, he was this one special person in my life, that i was willing to do anything for him.

fast forward to college and the later years, i saw him again once, thrice. at that time, i knew i was still holding a torch out for him. and yes, we almost kissed. after so many years, something could have finally happened. but it did not. at least, i knew, he did feel something for me. i also remember his then girlfriend being jealous of me, of me, his high school best friend. oh how i hated that girl.

then he deleted me on friendster. never answered my messages. i moved on for a bit. but i always kept in my mind, that question: what if we never lost contact? what if?

whenever i see an old classmate, somehow, when his name is mentioned, the spot light turns on me. it's as if, everybody knew of our secret and yet, we ourselves didn't know. well, i knew i loved him. now i am sure i loved him. love him. for until now, i still have feelings for him. ten years and counting.

and so, with this reunion coming up, i dread seeing him again. after all these years. and yet, i can't stop looking at his pictures, his pictures i asked a friend to get for me, for i am too scared of adding him up as a friend for fear of being rejected, he didn't reply to my message after all. and i still haven't added him up, despite three people telling me i should add him. i am too scared to even follow my own rule of three.

i shall end this vignette with my friend's words, words that are also in my mind, my soul, my heart:

[12:43] Kacy Garcia: yep
[12:43] Kacy Garcia: yung kay dave
[12:44] Kacy Garcia: malay mo you two had the chance pero super pinigilan ang sarili. baka siguro kasi because of external factors like people. pero hell with it kung di ka din naman magiging masaya. take the chance. magiging satisfied ka naman whether hindi o oo ang relasyon. at least di ka na sana mashadong nag-iisip
[12:44] Kacy Garcia: many people were against us pero di na min sasacrifice feelings namin para lang ma-feed at masatisfy sila.
[12:44] Kacy Garcia: para sa inyo naman ni dave, sayang kung meron ngang love between the both of you
[12:45] Kacy Garcia: nakakahinayang lang na sana nalaman mo. kasi di din naman kayo speaking terms ngayon e. kung nalaman mo baka ngayon kayo na. or kung di naman, at di kayo din mag-uusap, at least nalaman mo na

i may never know his true feelings for me, or why he is angry with me, if he is. he seems happy. i should be happy for him.

of bestfriends

and so, i set my mind that before i sleep, i will watch antique, again, the one i just wrote about some moments ago. and yet, here i am writing again. for that is how it is with people that muses visit. one must create when the time is right.

as in my previous post, i do not only look for gay films, i have also frequented a website that has a collection of gay stories, with almost all about the many but similar intimate experiences of gay men. i usually choose the stories wherein the narrator was lucky to get a person he is attracted to, somehow, it gives me hope that there are people out there that are open to such intimate experiences such as that, despite the fact that the stories maybe just fiction. there are also some stories that tell of how some men are inclined to enter these intimacies due to desperation.

i am not a stranger to these kind of stories. however, it wasn't this kind of story that inspired me to write. it was the type of stories wherein bestfriends develop feelings for each other, or the straight friend falls for the gay friend that initially loves the straight one and they end up with each other.

i have noticed that with some independent films, even though the straight character develops such feelings for his gay friend, they still do not end up with each other, it's like, a rule that gay men should never be essentially happy, and that a man is made only for a woman, that is why in the end, the straight guy ends up with a girl and he parts ways with his gay friend. i have seen this from sikil, ang lalaki sa parola and kambyo. i remember the first independent film i saw, ang pagdadalaga ni maximo oliveros, and how i felt that i was seeing my life, or what my life should have been; i saw myself in maxi. i had also hoped that he and kuya victor would somehow end up with each other, but as most tragic gay characters, maxi walks away, without even a glance at his beloved.

so the question is, how come gay men end up so lonely in the end with these films? how come in some stories about bestfriends, they end up happy?

again i allude to gay men's experiences because even though i am a woman, sadly, in the filipino setting, my experiences mirror what gay men experienced. i share the experiences with gay men when i was still young. the reason for this is because in our setting and culture, we do not automatically realize that we are transgendered or are transsexuals. we know we are different. almost all of my friends have felt and experienced relating to a gay man early in life. maybe the reason why some if not most filipinos cannot fully grasp the idea of being transgendered and transsexual is because we do not have a complete idea of the gender role of gay men. we hear about the parlorista type of gay man, the effeminate and flamboyant cross-dresser. we hear about gay men that grow their hair long and pluck their eye brows and use mountains of foundation. we hear about gay men that say they feel like women and yet have big burly muscles. and these are some of the stereotyped filipino gay men. perhaps, these gay men themselves are not aware they might be transgendered. and since they themselves identify as gay men, the larger society transmutes this self-identity to trans-girls like myself. they automatically equate me to other gay men, despite the fact that i introduced myself as a woman, behave as a woman, speak like a woman, and well, just be a woman to them.

and so, going back to my question, how come the protagonist, whether he be a gay man or a transgendered woman in the making, end up lonely? of course, one would argue that if one truly loves a person, one would set the person free, or for people that need to put these romantic, unrequited lovers down, magpaparaya because the person these lovers devote their lives to were never theirs in the first place. why is a filipino gay man/transwoman's story always have this ending? are we not allowed our happy ending with our prince charming?

but of course, not all stories end up as tragedies. there are those that tell of a trans-girl meeting the man of her dreams, he might be from another country, a different generation, or speaks in a different tongue, or he might be the trans-girl's bestfriend that realized that he actually loved his bestfriend, and takes her for what and what she may not be. and these stories give me hope, hope that i too someday would end up with a happy ending of my own. that i would meet a person that i am attracted to, and he would take me as i am and see me as what i am truly am, a girl.

incidentally, i too had a bestfriend of my own. i have tried time and again to reach him, sometimes i have been successful, other times not, and even though i know he did feel something for me, just like in those stories, sadly, we did not have that happy ending. but i am still hoping. maybe never in this lifetime, so see you in the next, dave.