another epiphany

and so, yeah, i'm in singapura yet again, and not for the reasons one my think of.

no, i'm not here for a vacation. no, i'm not here for work. one might even hazard a guess that i'm here because my parental units and my elder sibling is here and i have an infant nephew that needs supervision... my nephew that may or may not have short-term memory loss due to his temporal lobe not functioning properly, or whatever drew barrymore's character in 50 first dates has... why? it's because every friggin' morning he always cries when he sees me, and i have to wait until the afternoon for him to come around and realize i am the same person who took care of him when he was just several months old!

but no. i am here because of my forced exile. i need to find myself.

i have given this post the title, 'another epiphany' for this reason: i was out with a good friend of mine and his friends tonight, and everything was fun and all, until i focused my attention to my friend's friend's breasts. yep, i had an epiphany because of breasts. she had these ginormous mounds, well, they weren't that big, but for her body size? they were effin' HUGE.

and so, i go to thinking, how will i ever reach my current goal? read: get boobies. how will i get my implants? i have been told they cost about 50 kiyaw in thailand... and i was so optimistic that once i get here, i'll be able to save up so whe i go back to my beloved pearl of the orient, viola! tg-girl grew some boobies!!!

but how exactly did i plan on getting them? i had dreamed that i would be able to be a graphic designer here, not a real one, but one that could design at home. a friend's friend told me that if i can send him my designs and perhaps a flash animation, he may be able to help me find a client. if i had clients i could have saved up for my goal.

but no. i recently discovered this ugly attitude that i have. i'm too lazy and i give up too easily. i want to be spoon fed and i don't want to be stuck in a difficult position.

take the kgb position my sister referred me to. answering texts from home. what could be easier? but no, i had so many complaints about it. but the more i think about it, the easier it seems. i may need to think this over once more. and besides, if i do pass that certification, i will have something to while at home and earn some moolah.

and what about odesk? why am i so troubled with it? i find it so difficult. you have to keep on bidding and presenting your portfolio. maybe i just don't have the patience.

and so, this is my promise: i will be more patient. i will keep on trying. later, when i wake up, i will no longer be lazy. i will continue the kgb certification. i will keep on bidding projects on odesk.

i will exercise. i have to lose some weight.

so there.

grow up

this will be the first of my 'grow up' series...

i just kind of felt like writing after all this time.

'grow up.' that was what my dear ate joy told me when i was being a bit immature.

and somehow, it struck me.

i, of twenty four years of age, living as a woman, still have not yet grown up.

or grown up in the sense of being an adult.

or how an adult is commonly perceived as.

i haven't graduated, i don't have a job right now, much less a career, i still live at home with my parents, and worse, my sisters currently support me.

i still play pc games, watch cartoons and eat chocolates.

grow up.

why is that concept so strange to me.

somehow, i never saw myself growing up and being an adult. i mean, i want to be independent and grow up, stand on my own, but i don't know. it just never happened. and now my life is more stuck to my parents and sisters than before.

and now i can't see myself growing up.

what is growing up anyway?

making decisions on your own.

having a degree.

having a career.

being able to pay the bills.

having a relationship?

and here i go rambling.

don't get me wrong, i do want to grow up.

i just don't know how.