of lying

yes, like kris aquino, i am sorry, i lied. not to tita cory though. i lied to everyone i spoke to and said that i am happy and hopeful. well, not entirely lying. i am somewhat happy, that i get to talk to him again, even if i have to make so much effort in reaching out to him. i am hopeful, that he will someday realize that he loves me as much as i do him.

i lied, when i said i would be ok with him not acknowledging and reciprocating my feelings for him. that i would be ok if he just wants to be friends. that i would be willing to wait.

i lied.

but not entirely.

i'm just saying, of course, i would want something more with him than friendship. of course i would want him to be my boyfriend.

i am willing to wait. but how long?

this is my fear: that there will be nothing of me after i'm 25. that's several months from now. i have this unnerving feeling that my life will just stop at that age, whether naturally or on my own terms. i feel, my depression will get the best of me.

so, if ever i would cease to exist, i would want to be happy at least.




*~ incidentally, while trying to write this, i suddenly got inspired again. hope really does spring eternal. i say, so what if he likes another girl? that only means i have to make him realize i'm the one for him more. he will like other girls, yes, but he will eventually choose me. and of course, i'm not the only one around, BUT i am the only one for him. he has to realize this.


to you, the one i adore, watch out. there's a storm coming.