of missed opportunites and twisted possibilities

i had wanted to write this last night, or more accurately, this morning, when i was about to sleep. or, when i had wanted to sleep. first, the story...

last night was supposed to be an eventual night for me. it was my good friend roan's last event last night, and of course she invited me and guess who? he, he who i love dearly so, he who holds my heart of hearts. he confirmed that he would attend and even said, in his own words, he would only come because he wanted to see us. and being the deluded {other word for hopeful, i didn't want to use this word because it means so special to me, maybe dreamer, yes that would do.} dreamer i am, i believed that he meant me when he said us. a code, a way of saying he wanted to see me, that he will only attend to see me. oh how delusional.

but alas, roan contracted a virus that manifested red rashes on her face and body. needless to say, my eventual opportune moment never existed. i was devastated. i had hoped last night would have been THAT night, you know? i was sure something could have happened. but i can't blame anyone. i'm just unlucky. so, i comforted myself with his text messages. oh how sweet i am, you see, i'm happy with just his text messages.

now the clincher. i had thought he would not continue with the plan, but he did, and he shocked me too. during the wee hours, he texted roan and i with the same messages, that it was roan's fault for not coming. and here i went again, was he blaming roan because he was unable to see me? for if roan were there, i would be there for sure. but she wasn't, so had i. again, i was happy he texted me.

but then, an evil thought bore through my mind: what if, he liked her? was he blaming her for not coming because he wanted to see her? he even texted her this morning apologising for his behavior last night and ASKED her out again tonight.


and just like that, my world crumbled, and no one seemed to care.


it is of course possible that he may like her. of course it is. but why her?


this is what gets me the most... why her? i surely am far more beautiful, and thinner. but we are forgetting the most crucial difference between her and me: she was born a girl, and i, a boy. and that's all that matters in this country.

and now i am defeated.

oh loneliness... oh hopelessness...


i will end this note with two sentiments:

if i had only been born a girl, he would have chosen me, loved me.

but as my hopeful heart of hearts beats, if not this lifetime, then the next, and the next. i will search for you, and hope that in that next, it would be i you choose and love.