of first loves and bestfriends

i have been attempting to write this for 3 days now, and i only found courage to finally do it now. i have been repeating what i will write over and over again in my mind, making sure i put into words each emotion i felt. and here it goes...

like most people, well, normal people, i too had a best friend. actually, i had lots of best friends. in every stage of my life i attach myself to a certain person and impart a piece of my soul on said person so whenever i see him or her again, i will see a reflection of myself. but this one, this one person i am singling out, was not only my best friend, he was my first love.

how does one tell who one's first love is? i have had people i thought were my first love. one i definitely know was just puppy love, i mean, i was just ten years old. and i didn't know who i am at that time. then i had passing infatuations, one or two. and come high school. i know i was still immature at that age but when i was starting to discover who i truly am, i also discovered i was in love with him.

at that time, of course, one would say it was not love. infatuation maybe. and besides, we were best friends. he was always a classmate, we weren't that close in our early years but we often get seated next to each other, having the same letter for the beginning of our last names. i remember being friends with him, but i wouldn't think he was someone special.

and then we got close. it just happened. he was this one guy who was always too sleepy, lazy, or just plain uninterested. and he was the first one to make me feel special. for he needed me. i became his friend, tutor, and whatever you can think of. my friends used to tease me about our special friendship, they said it were as if we were in a relationship. but we weren't. we were just best of friends. and believe it or not, i didn't know i was falling for him. i just felt, he was this one special person in my life, that i was willing to do anything for him.

fast forward to college and the later years, i saw him again once, thrice. at that time, i knew i was still holding a torch out for him. and yes, we almost kissed. after so many years, something could have finally happened. but it did not. at least, i knew, he did feel something for me. i also remember his then girlfriend being jealous of me, of me, his high school best friend. oh how i hated that girl.

then he deleted me on friendster. never answered my messages. i moved on for a bit. but i always kept in my mind, that question: what if we never lost contact? what if?

whenever i see an old classmate, somehow, when his name is mentioned, the spot light turns on me. it's as if, everybody knew of our secret and yet, we ourselves didn't know. well, i knew i loved him. now i am sure i loved him. love him. for until now, i still have feelings for him. ten years and counting.

and so, with this reunion coming up, i dread seeing him again. after all these years. and yet, i can't stop looking at his pictures, his pictures i asked a friend to get for me, for i am too scared of adding him up as a friend for fear of being rejected, he didn't reply to my message after all. and i still haven't added him up, despite three people telling me i should add him. i am too scared to even follow my own rule of three.

i shall end this vignette with my friend's words, words that are also in my mind, my soul, my heart:

[12:43] Kacy Garcia: yep
[12:43] Kacy Garcia: yung kay dave
[12:44] Kacy Garcia: malay mo you two had the chance pero super pinigilan ang sarili. baka siguro kasi because of external factors like people. pero hell with it kung di ka din naman magiging masaya. take the chance. magiging satisfied ka naman whether hindi o oo ang relasyon. at least di ka na sana mashadong nag-iisip
[12:44] Kacy Garcia: many people were against us pero di na min sasacrifice feelings namin para lang ma-feed at masatisfy sila.
[12:44] Kacy Garcia: para sa inyo naman ni dave, sayang kung meron ngang love between the both of you
[12:45] Kacy Garcia: nakakahinayang lang na sana nalaman mo. kasi di din naman kayo speaking terms ngayon e. kung nalaman mo baka ngayon kayo na. or kung di naman, at di kayo din mag-uusap, at least nalaman mo na

i may never know his true feelings for me, or why he is angry with me, if he is. he seems happy. i should be happy for him.