Monday, July 6, 2009

of the typical reaction of a guy when he discovers his bestfriend has a crush on him

i forgot to mention, and rather than edit my previous post, i'll just add it here, for i feel my last one was perfect. i have this idea that he is somewhat angry at me. for no reason? well, i have a theory. by and by, the title for this post refers to guy's best friends who turn out gay, or in my case, trans. going back to my theory, i believe he had feelings for me, of course i made my speculations on what he showed me when we saw each other again, i mean, we almost kissed. so, with that thought, the reason why he is so angry and even saying on his friendster account that he hates gays, is because he was afraid of what he felt for me, myself being what he considered as male and gay. oh boy you had it oh so wrong. despite our history, my gender is not dictated by the sex i was assigned at birth. even if you knew me as your best friend all those years ago, i am a different person in the sense that i am not the person you once knew. i am a woman, dave. if you have feelings for me, you aren't gay. it just so happened i was born and assigned male at birth, but my gender says otherwise. but you, you i love dearly so, you i have been thinking about for ten years, are just like most people. most guys at that. there is a notion that once a guy discovers his then unknown as gay/trans best friend's affection for him, either flees and dissolves the friendship for fear of reciprocating said feelings and be outed as gay or if there should be any, accept the person as he is, and end up together.

this, i have yet to see. i have read about this scenario oh so many times. best friend develops feelings for his guy friend. guy friend seems to care for his best friend genuinely. best friend admits feelings. guy friend may disappear for some time. guy friend and best friend meet each other again, and guy friend finally admits HIS feelings for best friend. and they end up happily ever after.

such a load of horse crap.

and yet, i hold such a dream in my heart of hearts. i dream, that some day, he will realize that it was i all along, i who loves him the most, i who was always there, waiting, my heart beating only for him. that i will be the one he takes out for dinner, takes to the beach, takes into his arms. oh such a dream that is.

if only i have the courage to talk to him, to tell him of this, to show him he can love me, without fear of being ridiculed by anyone. to show him, i have always been here, waiting, and loving him.

and maybe, just maybe, i will have that happy ending of my own.

he was my first, and i wanted him to be my last.

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